I Am In Good Company

So, I had an epiphany.....

driving from Oregon to California and back as many times as I have recently gives me hours and hours of solitude. I don't usually do well with solitude. Hundreds of miles of boring roads with no radio reception give me much time to think. My thoughts are often consumed with Tomas and what happened there and my emotions range from very sad, almost grieving, to anger (not even a chance to explain as he passed his judgment with partial information), to smiling about something he said. I will never again drive past the salt marshes without remembering him telling me that God had a day off when they were created and smiling. 

The other thing that occupies my thoughts is God and my relationship with Him or my lack thereof. I think back to a time in my life where my faith was unshakable and came absolutely first in my life. But I lost that and have been unable to find it again.

I am going through something at the moment that has been very trying for me and I found myself angry and in a discussion with my mother I asked, "what the fuck has God ever done for me." Those words have been thought but never spoken and just the thinking of them has caused me feelings of guilt which have added to the separation between me and my God. I walked away from God because of hurt and my life took a hedonistic turn but, there was no pleasure. The hurt was still there, bad things still happened only now I didn't even have the strength of having faith that somehow in this big puzzle that is life, I am a piece. That without me, the picture would be incomplete. 

I have never felt like I mattered even when I did have faith in God and that lack within myself has caused me to make so many poor decisions. Growing up I talked to my biological father once every three to four years when I called Him. I never received a call from him that I can remember. I do recall him sending me flowers once when I was young and very ill with whooping cough. I could have died and he didn't come see me but those flowers meant so much. It is no wonder that I have spent my life looking for and wishing to be loved.

As I was driving, the words Jesus spoke to His God as he hung on the cross just popped into this small, narrow little mind of mine...."my God, why have you forsaken me?" Okay well, He didn't use the "F" word and He didn't use the separation as an excuse for living like hell but I know that He understands. He felt it. He felt the same abandonment I have felt. I am in good company.

I am not comparing myself with the Son of God as my suffering is infinitesimal to what He endured but I just know that it doesn't matter what I did or what I said....He knows, He understands, He felt it too. No more guilt to keep me out of fellowship with the only Father I have ever really known.