Letting My Light Shine

I was reading my Bible today and came across Matthew 5:16. It is a verse I have read many times in my life but today it jumped off the page at me, "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven." We all know we are supposed to be like light in the darkness around us, we all sang the children's song, "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...."

But today I noticed something different. Today I noticed that my light is supposed to shine in such a way that it will cause others to glorify God. Wow! That is just not normal in our society. What would it take to let your light shine in such a way that it brings glory to God? Recognition is a hugely motivating factor in people's lives. People love to be seen as the talented one or the good samaritan, etc. I know how to do good things that will benefit others and also put just a little bit of the light on me. I don't need all the light of course but just a little pat on the back might feel nice. I really had to think about this one and these are a few of the things that I believe it would take to shine a light that points to the Father instead of to me;

1. Anonymity - If I do things to gain the respect of man, I lose the respect of God. Matthew 6:3 says, "But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." The true reward comes when we are able to selflessly do our work as unto the Lord. (Colossians 3:23) Doing works that glorify God in a state of anonymity can only point people in one direction.... to the Father.

2. Diligence - Romans 12:11 says, "Never be lazy in showing such devotion. Be on fire with the Spirit. Serve the Lord." We are to serve God by being "on fire" with the Spirit. On fire? Imagine if you will someone truly on fire. You see videos of houses on fire and out the door comes someone in flames, just sauntering out like it's no big deal. No.... that is not how it happens at all is it? You see someone running out, diving to the ground to roll, jumping up and down.... this is the attitude, these are the actions of one truly "on fire" and these on fire people never stop. To point people in the direction of God, you have to be diligent in your works, diligent in your confession, diligent in your countenance. Be on fire!

3. Attitude - There is nothing that points to the grace of God more than a loving and kind attitude in the midst of lifes trials. Philippians 2:5 says, "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:" I don't know about you but, I'm in trouble here. While hanging on the cross, Jesus asked for the forgiveness of those who caused him that physical agony. Right in the middle of the throes of His pain, he thought about them and their salvation. I personally, want to slash the tires of the guy who cut me off on the freeway this morning.

4. Abandonment - Matthew 10:39 says, "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." In order to find life and in order to point the way to life, we must become like our Lord. Abandonment to self is the key to finding life. This isn't denial of who we are, what we feel or our needs but choosing to give those things, yes, even those parts of us we are certain God doesn't care for.... to God. Choosing His ways over our ways, choosing His peace over our fear, choosing His provision over our wants.

This verse has been in my mind since I was child. This verse has been repeated in Sunday School, Youth Group and Vacation Bible School. There have been entire sermons written around this verse and how we are to let our lights shine but how often have you hear "the rest of the story"? (Thanks Paul Harvey, for letting me borrow that verbiage). This isn't a little feel good verse telling us to be a good witness... this verse carries some weight. I would like to think that maybe one day I will achieve letting my light shine in such a way as to point others to Jesus.

My Self Worth....

I didn't have any self-worth growing up, especially by the time I hit high school.  I didn't think I mattered in the least.  

I have written before about my childhood and how I really wasn't a person but more of an object.  I got in the way like an object, I was used like an object and I was expected to shut up.... like an object.  The sad thing was that I didn't cry over my childhood much because it was normal for me.  I didn't know any better, it was what I thought I deserved.  I truly believed at each instance of molestation or each beating that it was my fault, that somehow I brought it on myself.  I even blamed myself when I was raped thinking if I had not been where I was, had I not been wearing the clothes I was wearing, etc.  And I perpetuated the problem by going on to marry an abuser.... he fit right in with what was "normal" to me.  

Just recently I have reconnected with old friends from high school online.  I never kept in contact with anybody from school.  One of the idiosyncracies I developed throughout life with my view of myself has resulted in me not being a very good friend.  I don't trust people enough to truly let them become part of my life so, I am very warm, loving and kind until they get too close, then I back away.  I looked over my life many times and realized that I don't bond with people like others and have felt that I am somehow deficient.  But then again, my life has been completely filled with motherhood so, perhaps I have a good reason for not investing so much into friendships.  I am getting a bit off-track but, thanks for sticking with me, I do have a point to make.  

In connecting with my old friends I have had several tell me that I was special to them.  One boy who I dated said that he came looking for me three times.  I have been told by several that they looked forward to my smile, that they missed me when I left and that I made a difference in their lives.  Me?  Laurie Lee Crilly?  And I found myself wishing that I knew, I wished that I knew that I mattered.  I thought maybe I would have made different choices in my life.  Maybe I would have cared for myself had I known that I was an important person.  And I found myself wishing that someone had told me that I mattered.  But the voices inside my head repeated the things I had heard while growing up.... the voices I heard told me that I was worthless, stupid, a bitch, even crazy.  I heard them loud and clear and treated myself as such.

Looking back wistfully over life is a waste of time and you know the truly sad part in my story is that someone did tell me.  I have held in my possession the greatest love letter of all time.  I hold in my hand a letter that tells me that I am worth dying for, that I have been crowned with glory and honor, that I have been given dominion and power, that I have an advocate constantly working on my behalf, that I stand clean and spotless before my Lord, that I have a father, that I have a helper, that I have a guide, that I am chosen of God, that I am blessed, that I am a conqueror, that I am above and not beneath, the head and not the tail, that I am favored, that I am heard...... My Bible tells me all of this and so much more.  

I am so glad I now know who I am.

Some More On Trust

I was in my kitchen doing dishes and as I moved a dish I saw a bowl full of water that a bug had fallen into.  My first thought (of course) was, "why do my kids do this?  How hard is it to rinse a bowl?"  But, that thought aside, I found watching this bug swimming around in that bowl very interesting.  It appeared to be some kind of a beetle type arthropod, was clearly not a water bug and had probably never been in water before and yet it was swimming quite nicely around that bowl of water.

Odd that should happen on the same day that I had read an article about a man in Scotland who had an in-ground pool put in his backyard.  As a "grand opening" he invited his friends and neighbors over for a barbecue.  Everyone was eyeing the inviting crystal blue water and I think some were drooling over it just a little bit but being polite and waiting for everyone to arrive.  Well, before they had the chance to slide themselves under the covers of the cool liquid that had been calling to them a bull suddenly ran right through the fence into the man's backyard and straight into the swimming pool.  Again, I highly doubt this bull had been in water..... at least not that deep before and I am entirely certain he had not had swim lessons and yet during the hours that it took to get the creature from the pool..... the bull began swimming fairly well.  In fact, so well that the owner of the pool said by the time they got him out, "he had perfected his breast-stroke".

You are probably wondering what I am getting to in all of this eh?  I am going to tell you why I find this so interesting.  When humans fall into water and they don't know how to swim.... what happens?  They drown.  Why?  What makes the difference?  Fear makes the difference.  Animals and insects have the natural instinct to preserve themselves but I don't believe they experience the true emotion of fear.  People fall into water and the panic, resulting in flailing arms, thrashing legs and hyperventilating.  The result is quick exhaustion and the increased breathing results in them taking in water very quickly - thus a drowning.

Take away the fear and what are humans capable of?  I did a quick search and came up with 430 instances of the phrase "fear not" in the Bible and 249 of the phrase "do not fear".  I am no Rhodes Scholar, in fact, I lack much formal education but it's fairly easy  for me to recognize the fact that God does not want us to live in fear.  God's design for us is to live in peace and yet, he recognizes and knows well our weakness and addressed it often throughout scripture.  

What would humans be capable of without fear?  I know as sure as I am sitting here typing and breathing that we are capable of far greater things than swimming without a lesson.  

In John 14:12-14 it says, "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.  And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father.  You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it."  

Well, there is my answer.  Without fear, with true trust in God.... we are capable of anything.  Truly amazing.

Thinking About Faith This Morning...

Hebrews 11:6 says without faith it is impossible to please God but how much faith pleases God?

In Matthew 14 and starting in verse 22 Jesus sent the disciples out on a boat while He went to pray.  When he was done praying it was the wee hours of the following morning and the boat had drifted a considerable distance out on the sea.  Jesus then walked across the waves in the early morning mist illuminated by the moon and stars.  The disciples saw His figure walking towards them and thought perhaps they were seeing a ghost and were terrified and began crying out in their fear.

The first point that I am considering is.... the disciples thought He was a ghost?  When they should have known better they immediately assumed the worst and began bemoaning their fate.  So typical of us.  We need to look for God in every situation and we will find Him there.  

Jesus could have been disappointed in them but He knows and understands our fears and called out to calm them by identifying Himself and telling them not to be afraid.  Yet still the fear was there.  Peter tested Jesus by saying, "if it is you, command me to come to you and I will join you."  Peter had the faith to move on Jesus command but not the faith to move on his own in Jesus direction.  He stepped out of the safety of the boat onto the sea.

I can only imagine how that felt.  As a human he must have had so many thoughts racing through his mind....some of those thoughts I imagine went something like this, "I can't believe I am doing this.... I can't believe I am walking on top of the water!"  As soon as his thinking turned to recognition of his own efforts he began to notice the waves and the wind and began to sink.  Jesus responded by telling Peter he had little faith and reaching out to him.

How much faith pleases God?  

I will tell you how much.... complete faith pleases God.  Faith that moves us and in turn moves mountains.  James 2:17-22 says that faith without works is dead.... ineffectual.... if you say you have faith but will not step out of the boat.... your faith is of no benefit.  In these scriptures it goes on to say that when Abraham moved forward to sacrafice his own son, his actions and his belief worked together to make his faith complete.  Believe in your heart and act on that belief, let your faith and your actions walk hand in hand and that is complete faith.  That is the faith that pleases God.

I don't want little faith.  I don't want faith that makes me test God before stepping out of the boat.  I don't want sinking faith.... the kind that initiates me to movement only until the waters become rough.  I want big faith.... complete faith.  I want the kind of faith that makes me jump out of the boat and run across the water to my waiting Lord.  I don't just want enough faith to begin my journey.... I want the faith to finish and to be victorious.  

That is Me

I was not in an accident of any kind

I did not fall and hit my head

yet, I could not remember

There was no reason for it

It was a mystery

An unexplainable phenomen

How I lost my memory

I did not forget everything

But what I did forget

I forgot completely

I knew my name

but I did not know who I was

I could say my alphabet

and even sing a song I had not heard since high school

it was my family 

that was foggy

oh, not my children

it was my father

For a time I forgot

But now I remember

For a time amnesia ruled my decisions

But now I know without question

For a time I wandered lost

But now I know who I am

I am the daughter of God Himself

A child of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords

That is me

The Race

I keep running

each day is a race

a challenging course

the track ever changing

yet I run

without a goal

without direction

not even the fake rabbit

a false hope to guide me

everyday running

I think heading somehwere

but maybe 

I am not running toward something

maybe I am running away

leaving something behind

and I keep running

no time to question

the what's

the why's

the how's

as my feet keep running

but never as fast

as my mind

Home

They say home is where the heart is

but what if I don't know where my heart is?

Tony Bennett left his in San Francisco

Oh, that it were that easy!

Fats Domino found his on Blueberry Hill...

I hope he wasn't so careless as to leave it behind like Tony.

So, what am I searching for?

Should I be retracing my steps to find where I left my heart

or simply moving forward to see where I may find it?

Personally, I think I may have left bits and pieces 

scattered about here and there.

If that is true....

maybe I truly have no home.

Hope Deferred

Hope deferred makes the heart sick

My heart suffers from the gravest of illnesses

A hope that has been abandoned

My hope left behind, as I moved on

My hearts desire screaming out

a muffled cry under a silencing hand

"Hush", I hiss as I walk away

from the hope

from the dream

that is you

The White Lie

I told a lie today

it was a small lie

I didn't think much about it at the time

but isn't a lie.....

a lie

isn't one lie just as bad as another?

I thought the lie was for you

I thought it would make you more comfortable

but then isn't the comfort itself a lie?

I told a lie today

a small lie

a little white lie

when you asked me how I was....

I said I was fine.

I Fall

When I am tempted....
I fall into trouble
When I am enamored....
I fall into love
When I am troubled....
I fall into sadness
When I am lied to....
I fall for the line
When I am challenged....
I fall in line
When I am weak....
I fall to my knees
Then I fall into bed and thank God 
for the new day that comes in the morning 
so I can fall all over again

Until The Cows Come Home

"Until the cows come home."
An expression - 
but, what does it mean?
You know you've heard it before. 
There is no definitive explanation for this expression.
Generally speaking,
the cows "come home" when they are hungry. 
Depending on the season,
depending on the state of the pasture,
depending on the size of the pasture....
the cows could stay out a LONG time!
Just like this expression,
there are so many things in my life that lack a definite answer.
So many unanswered questions.
I just moved to a new town back in November,
my circle of friends is really a triangle....
(of course, this suits my personality - leave it to me to be different)
I know my neighbor across the street
and I have made one friend.
I find myself asking;
How long will I live here?
How long will I be alone?
What should I be doing with my life?
What is my purpose?
Why is life fraught with hurt?
When will my heart heal?
I don't have any answers...
So, this is as good as any.
I am smiling
and I keep dancing
stuck here in Union
alone
until the cows come home.

Taking A Bath

I want to tell you a story. If you know me, you know that I love to tell a good story. Well, I used to raise English Bulldogs. I had a wonderful fawn colored bitch named "Georgia". She was a wonderful, smart dog and a loyal family pet. According to breeding standards, she was nowhere close to show quality. When she had her first litter of pups I fell in love with one of them but I chose to keep another pup altogether. The one I chose to keep was the "pick of the litter". Unfortunately as so often happens in life she was beauty without brains. Somewhat like the stereotypical blonde bombshell that you can't wait to go out with certain she will rock your world and she does for a time until her stupidity drives you to want to blow your brains out every time she speaks. That was "Peaches", a beautiful Mahogany brindle bulldog without a clue.

Housebreaking Peaches was no easy feat and I was disgusted by her apparent love of using my home as her toilet. I drove myself crazy housebreaking that dog, getting up several times in the middle of the night with her as if she was an infant trying to teach her to go outside. She had a fondness for sneaking into my boys bedroom and relieving herself. Eventually she did learn the concept of going to the door. 

In my boys bedroom there was a tall custom made bunk bed, an antique highboy, a very large bookshelf and in the closet was a large toy box. The bunk bed was raised considerable off the floor and was taller than standard. Neither of the boys would sleep on the top bunk because it scared them so, they usually just played up there during the day. One day I walked into their room and there was a foul odor in the air. I was instantly angry with the dog and certain she had reverted to her old ways. Upon surveying the floor however, I didn't find anything offensive. I walked out a bit puzzled.

Day two - I entered the boys room and the room was still infused with an ugly odor. I again looked around thinking I must have missed it. I then searched under their bed, under the dresser, under the bookshelf and in the closet only to find nothing. I decided that it must be old odors coming up from the carpet or pad. I sprayed air freshener and left the room.

Day three - The smell was still pervasive in the air even as you approached the room. That afternoon while out and about doing errands I rented a carpet cleaner.

Day four - I cleaned the carpets....THREE times. But it didn't work, the smell was still there. A foul stench. Their bedroom had windows on two of the walls and one wall backed the very large carport (big enough for three cars). I thought to myself that perhaps a critter of some sort had gone into my carport and died.

Days five through eight - In my carport I had boxes stacked over my head throughout. My mother had moved several months earlier from a very large house into a tiny apartment and I was storing her things for her in my carport. It took me four days to pull everything in the carport out of the carport and to open each box. I did find one small dead mouse but much to my disappointment....it didn't even stink!!!

Day nine - this little claustrophobic nut braved the underbelly of the house, crawling through the tiny crawlspace under the house again searching for a critter that may have died. 

Days ten through twelve - the noxious odor in the bedroom was so potent that it caused your eyes to water immediately upon entry to the room. The boys no longer slept in their room, they had been sleeping in the living room. I was at my wit's end. I had tried everything. I was hoping against hope that the smell would go away just as it came. After all, how could I live with this smell, how could I ever have company over again?

Day thirteen my son Becher walked out of the room with his hands on his hips and said matter of factly, "man, that fish stinks". I had seen him walk out of his room out of the corner of my eye but was not paying much attention until I heard those words. My head spun on my shoulders in a fine impression of Linda Blair in "The Exorcist" as I looked at him and asked, "WHAT FISH????"

Becher, nonchalant as ever said, "the fish on my bed." I jumped up and quickly went to the room to look at their bunk bed. Sure enough, on the top bunk were two little trout on the bed, the proud booty of two little barefoot country boys and their trip to the pond only this time they did not bring them to me to clean, they decided to really look at them and left them where they lay. By the time I found them they were halfway liquefied into the mattress (which had to be replaced) I could not believe that they had been right there the whole time. All that time cleaning and searching!!! The bunk was taller than me and I never thought to look on the bed!!

I asked Becher, "why didn't you tell me there were fish on the bed? You saw me searching and cleaning everyday." He looked me square in the eye and said in all his childlike sense, "you were looking for poop." He was right, at least at first. 

At the time it was horrifying but the story has made me laugh many times over the years.

I now know that this has been the story of my life the past few years. I have been searching high and low for what stinks in my life when it was right in front of me all along. What stinks in my life is me. I have been skirting around the hem of my faith for years now and it has definitely been the cause of the odor.

I liken it to a dirty child out playing in the cold whose father has a nice hot bath and a big, thick, fluffy warm towel waiting. And the child, shivering keeps running in and washing her hands, "oh, that feels good" but then running back out to play. The father, ever patient keeps calling for her to come in saying, "you'll catch your death of pneumonia out there."

Well, it's time for me to come in. So ya'all (I had to say ya'all because I live in Union, OR now which is very redneck and I am trying to adapt to my environment - lol!) will have to excuse me because it's time for me to take a bath.

I Am In Good Company

So, I had an epiphany.....

driving from Oregon to California and back as many times as I have recently gives me hours and hours of solitude. I don't usually do well with solitude. Hundreds of miles of boring roads with no radio reception give me much time to think. My thoughts are often consumed with Tomas and what happened there and my emotions range from very sad, almost grieving, to anger (not even a chance to explain as he passed his judgment with partial information), to smiling about something he said. I will never again drive past the salt marshes without remembering him telling me that God had a day off when they were created and smiling. 

The other thing that occupies my thoughts is God and my relationship with Him or my lack thereof. I think back to a time in my life where my faith was unshakable and came absolutely first in my life. But I lost that and have been unable to find it again.

I am going through something at the moment that has been very trying for me and I found myself angry and in a discussion with my mother I asked, "what the fuck has God ever done for me." Those words have been thought but never spoken and just the thinking of them has caused me feelings of guilt which have added to the separation between me and my God. I walked away from God because of hurt and my life took a hedonistic turn but, there was no pleasure. The hurt was still there, bad things still happened only now I didn't even have the strength of having faith that somehow in this big puzzle that is life, I am a piece. That without me, the picture would be incomplete. 

I have never felt like I mattered even when I did have faith in God and that lack within myself has caused me to make so many poor decisions. Growing up I talked to my biological father once every three to four years when I called Him. I never received a call from him that I can remember. I do recall him sending me flowers once when I was young and very ill with whooping cough. I could have died and he didn't come see me but those flowers meant so much. It is no wonder that I have spent my life looking for and wishing to be loved.

As I was driving, the words Jesus spoke to His God as he hung on the cross just popped into this small, narrow little mind of mine...."my God, why have you forsaken me?" Okay well, He didn't use the "F" word and He didn't use the separation as an excuse for living like hell but I know that He understands. He felt it. He felt the same abandonment I have felt. I am in good company.

I am not comparing myself with the Son of God as my suffering is infinitesimal to what He endured but I just know that it doesn't matter what I did or what I said....He knows, He understands, He felt it too. No more guilt to keep me out of fellowship with the only Father I have ever really known.

One Last Time

Psssst......over here

I need to tell you something

can you come a little closer?

Please.....

I just need to feel you close 

and I don't want anybody else to hear.

Closer.....

so, close I can reach out and grab your hand

and then I will whisper to you....

I love you

That's all

I know you don't love me

and I know I have nothing to offer

but I just wanted you close enough

to tell you

and to feel you one last time.

My Vagrant Soul

My vagrant soul knows no peace

restless in nature

constantly seeking that which it cannot find

My vagrant soul knows no rest

standing ever alert

watching for that which it yearns

My vagrant soul knows no love

aching in solitude

the vestige of where a heart once dwelt

My vagrant soul journeys on

my feet are weary

walking towards the home that does not exist

Digging With a Spoon

Sometimes I feel like I am digging through a mountain, my only tool a spoon.

Sometimes I feel as if I am breathing through a gall soaked sponge

Sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other is hampered by the leaden weight of my cares

Some days, so often, my heart feels as if it is a stone in my shoe

Some days, my mind races as if dreaming in NASCAR

Some days, I wish I wasn't here in this place of torment

and other days I just continue digging

with my spoon.

Who Are You?

Who are you?

What thoughts and feelings lurk behind your mask?

I don't know you.

I can't feel what you feel or reflect your thoughts.

Will you open yourself?

Will you share with me and let me inside of you?

May I visit your heart?

May I wander within the chambers and learn of your loves?

Can I roam your mind?Can I know the experiences and secrets that you hold inside?

I don't know you,

but I want to know you more than anything.

Who are you?

Will you allow me to know you?

The true man behind the mask?

I Miss You

I travel throughout this life a stranger without will, without direction
I miss you
I look for you everywhere though my eyes have become blind to what is around me
I miss you
I listen for your voice in the marketplace though I have become deaf
I miss you
I breathe deeply hoping for your scent to awaken my passion
I miss you
My hunger and thirst consume me as I crave the salt on your skin
I miss you
Everywhere I go
Everything I do
Reminds me of you
I miss you
more then you know
I miss you

Moving Forward

Moving forward is so difficult when you do not know your destination

Placing one foot in front of the other sometimes is the hardest motion

I know I cannot remain in this place

I know there is something calling to me in the distance

I only wish I knew what it was

I only wish that the familiarity of it would allay my fears

Sometimes I just have to close my eyes and walk

Sometimes I have to trust my instinct which drives me onward

If there was a light, a beacon illuminating my path

If there was a voice calling to me, "come this way"

Then could I move forward in confident peace

Then could I progress even if slowly toward my goal

But that is not to be

There is no guide

Just the ever present feeling that somewhere

somehow

in the distance

there is something better

So, my journey continues

Would you dare to walk with me?

The Living Dead

Zombies and Ghouls.....

These are not the living dead.....

The living dead are those that live life with a heart hardened through time and circumstances....

The living dead are those that live life with a heart broken and incapable of love.....

The living dead are those that live life with no heart at all having given it away for naught......

Incapable of seeing the beauty in a rainbow, a flower, a sunrise or sunset.......

Incapable of reacting with a smile to a child's laughter, a joke or even a friendly hello.....

Incapable of hearing the voices of those that love them trying to reach into their shell.....

Incapable of loving or feeling loved

This is death

This is life

for so many

I am one of them

Proud To Be An American

Oh beautiful, for spacious skies, o'er amber waves of grain. O'er purple mountains majesty above the fruited plain. America, America, God shed His grace on thee. And crown thy good with brotherhood from sea to shining sea.....

Why is that we can't learn from history? 

God's grace is no longer on this country. Make no mistake about that. 

We were a great country founded on Christian prinicples. We were a force to be reckoned with and respected. God shed His grace on the United States for many years but that grace has worn thin as we have trampled upon it.

Let me remind you of a people that were God's own - the Israelites. God in His graciousness and goodness led them out of slavery and into the promised land of Caanan. Sounds like a wonderful story however, this journey into Caanan left them wandering in the wilderness for forty years. Forty long years of abandonment and isolation. One may wonder how a loving God could do this to His people. The answer is easy.....in their impatience to reach their destination they took matters into their own hands and lost their faith. God's people chose to worship idols rather then their sustainer and as such lost His sustenance. They had free will as we do. Their free will led them away from God and He gave them what they desired at that time.

Has not our nation as a whole turned it's back on God? We have effectively removed Him and his presence from our schools, sanctioned sinful and errant behavior..... America the Beautiful is not sung anymore. It contains the word "God" and is not even taught to our children in school. God is good and He will give us the desires of our heart. If we as a country desire to remove Him - He is removed. I dare to speculate that a country that has never known God is better off than a country who has known the goodness of the Lord and then turned on Him collectively as a nation. Do not be fooled here - we will pay a very high price for this the ultimate act of treason against our maker.

Brace yourselves....don't be taken by surprise when the anvil falls as it most surely will.

Something is Missing

I woke this morning, as I do every morning knowing that a piece of me is missing. 

I slowly stretched, wriggling my fingers and toes taking careful inventory. 

I lost my heart so quickly and without warning, I can't be certain that I may lose more of myself. 

Of course, can I consider it lost when I know where it is?

I gave it to you, the first time we talked, without reservation.

How could I not, as I knew that you were the one I had hoped and prayed for all along. 

The one that I thought perhaps did not exist or was just too far from me for discovery.

But without you here, I feel the void in my chest and throughout my being.

I woke consumed with my thoughts of you and began my day in robotic fashion.

Merely existing until I can look into your eyes and speak the words, "I love you."

Seconds drag by, transforming into minutes and minutes into hours.

So slowly the time passes in my bath of loneliness.

Throughout the day you visit me many, many times.

You may not be aware of the haunting that is you.

I run to my phone each times it rings, hopeful.

Answering each time only to be met with disappointment.

I scan my email, deleting message after message because they are not from you.

I check my mail wishing to see your pen has graced stationary with my name.

Sometimes I whisper your name hoping that wherever you are, you hear it.

Hoping that it resonates within you and moves you to whisper in return.

Other times I whisper silent prayers for your safety, peace, joy and strength.

My day ends with a feeling of despondency as the need for you goes again unfulfilled.

I fall into bed, staring at the the bed post in the shadows wishing that it was you standing near my bed.

Tossing and turning, sleep evades me once again.

Those are my days without my heart, one rolling into the next.

One searing through me the next cutting like a knife.

It is as if the hollow that once held my heart increases in size as time creeps by.

It is an open wound begging to be dressed.

The only healing balm , your presence and your touch.

Darling, hurry to me - I need my breath to return so I may start living again.

My Love For You

My love for you is able to encompass all that you are

We are complex creatures

bringing with us multiple facets of our makeup

I see all sides of you

And love them without question or doubt

You are my sun and my moon

I see you in everything I do

everywhere I go

I feel you beside me throughout each day

Your words echo in my thoughts

My darling

My love will encompass all that you are

I need you to know

I need you to believe

I want to show you my love

I want to be your comfort, your support

your encouragement, your sounding board

your lover, your friend

I want to be the one to hold you when you hurt

the one to wipe your brow when you are sick

the one to listen to your hopes and dreams

as well as your fears and frustrations

My love encompasses all that you are

and I am here for you 

no matter how small or how great the need

and even

if you don't need me at all

I will be here

loving you

with a love deeper then the sea on which you sail.

Heart In A Box

I kept my heart in a box, safe from the world.

Every now and again I would carefully lift the lid to the box

and there is sat pulsing slowly with each beat.

I would sometimes sit and stare at it

contemplating giving it away.

But I always thought better of it,

quickly closing the lid and stashing it on the shelf

where I kept it.

Many people came and asked me for my heart.

And I would always respond with a laugh,

a toss of the head,

and a hasty retreat.

Then I met someone different.

He never asked for my heart

but I found myself taking it out more often.

The visits to my heart became more and more frequent

until one day, I presented it to him.

Cautiously, I lifted the lid to the box that held my heart,

reached inside,

and gently lifted it out.

With my hand outstretched to him, I offered it,

a bit apprehensively as I didn't want it hurt.

I watched as he took it and gingerly caressed it.

It was a wonderful feeling 
and a most unexpected thing happened...

it took flight.

Staying close to him,

like it knew where it belonged.

Days went by and each day he held my heart gently,

stroked it,

kissed it

and little by little I relaxed, 

feeling that my heart was safe and protected by him.

As a matter of fact, 

the beat of my heart quickened and became stronger

in his care.

Then one day,

he dropped it.

I thought surely it was accidental,

and I reached out to catch it 

but it was out of reach.

I watched as it crashed to the floor

knowing it would be bruised.

What happened next,

was so unexpected.

As I watched in horror,

He stepped on my heart.

The one I trusted,

the one I believed in,

the one that I gave my most prized possesion

placed it under his foot.

The blood oozing from my heart,

I cried out to him,

"please stop, it is all I have!"

My heart then broke

into many tiny pieces.

It shattered there on the floor

under his step.

I cried as I fell to my knees scooping up the pieces.

I ran to my box, 

having to stand high on my tip-toes to reach it.

I gathered the broken pieces

attempting to put it back together.

I looked at my handiwork....

there were so many pieces missing

and the beat was so soft,

so faint.

Once returned to the safety of the box,

I gazed at it barely beating

and I vowed that would be the last time

I would offer it to anyone. 

I placed the lid back on the box

tapping it into place, 

then tacked it closed.

This time I wouldn't take any chances....

I would secure the lid

never to be removed again.

My heart in flight

will remain a memory.

Maybe it was all just a dream,

maybe he was never tender and kind

maybe that is just what I wanted to see.

All I really am certain of now,

is that my heart is safe.

Up on the shelf,

in the box.

The Girl in the Corner

Who knows the girl

in the corner

drowning

in tears?

Is there one

who would take a chance

and join her there

in a lonely place

where she 

can let

her feelings show?

The feelings

which have 

been pushed back

for so long.

Not acknowledged

but still

they are there

deepening

with age.

If someone

would care

just enough

to reach 

her pool

formed 

by the world

in a foul

selfish mood.

It's no wonder

no one comes.

They put her there

under the waves

of her emotional sea.

Wait!

Someone stopped

to see 

the pitiful figure

in the corner.

Hope

leaps to her heart.

Just a flicker.

It was just

another face

stooping to stare

at the oddity

that is her.

She vows

never to look up

and to hope

again.

The pain

of rejection

is just too much

for her to bear

alone.

She hates

everyone

and will accept

no one.

fear of hurt

hold her there

crying out

lonliness.

In the grave

she does not feel

she will feel

alone.

I suppose

she will go there

for a while.

Raining

  

Everyday without you seems to be a stormy day

my eyes rain along with the clouds

for missing you

sometimes

i sit and look at your picture

for hours

and I cry

not only for missing you

but remembering out times

when I cried for joy

the joy of being in love

only with you

always with you

I suppose now

all my clouds will rain

forever

Fear

Doorbells ringing in your head

bodiless faces in the room

huddled alone inside your bed

you know there's someone after you


Calls from strangers in the night

wanting you for their own

you lay awake in bed and cry 

pretending there's nobody home


You run from a man inside your head

knowing that you just can't win

you see yourself in an alley dead

alone and raped and beaten


Someone's watching your every move

someone's going to come

someone's going to find you

and set you on the run


Someone knows when you're alone

he'll stake his claim on you

someone knows nobody's home

he'll sit and wait for you


Whether real or in your head

the thoughts so reactive

you keep running 'till you're dead

but it's the fear that keeps you captive.

The Chest Master

Check!

Checkmate!

Oh, you are the chess master.

You plan your moves so carefully.

No one can beat you.

You neatly set the board,

taking care to position each piece perfectly in its' place.

First to go.....

the pawns.

You wanted them at first.

But they were readily expendable.

A sacrifice you were willing to make to reach your end.

They looked so nice lined up at the beginning of the game.

but you despised their insignificance.

Oh, Chess Master....

Was I your pawn?

Did you use me to promote your win?

Was I that easily expendable?

Did you sacrifice me to win?

This pawn breathes

this pawn screams in pain

this pawn hurts and bleeds

Oh, Chess Master....

You are great

but don't forget your humanity

to play the game.

Hoping & Dreaming

What do you hope for?

What do you dream?

Have you written them down, at least in your heart?

Do you believe in your abilities,

to achieve all that you desire in this lifetime?

Write them down, lest you lose them.

Pursue them

and never, ever give up.

What do I hope for?

What do I dream? 

It has been so long since I had any hopes & dreams.

Believing that hoping and dreaming,

could only bring disappointment and disillusionment.

I will search my soul and find them again.

And pursue them

And never, ever give up.

The Myth of the Strong Woman

I was talking with my ex-sister-in-law the other day and she was telling me of her neighbor and she said, "she is not strong like you and I, she is a weak woman." There was a time in my life when being called strong was a compliment. But that time has passed. I remember before I married being told, "Laurie, you are the strongest woman I have ever met." Even back then it was no longer a compliment and my reply was, "but, I don't want to have to be anymore." I learned to be "strong" to survive if that's what you call learning to shut up and handle business.

I was not a person growing up, I was an object. Let me just interject right here, "fuck you Billy Baker, Norman Chenowith, Ed Weeks, Scott Miller and grandma Mozelle." Fuck you all for making me "strong". As a very young child I was angry and wanted to fight back but I found it was easier to just give in and be "strong". I was told everyday of my life for as far back as my memory serves that I was a bitch by my grandmother. It finally took root at 7 years old when I woke with my 17 year old stepbrother Billy in my bed that it must be true as before he left he told me the same thing. "You can go to sleep now bitch." Thanks Billy, that's mighty kind of you.

This is however what has made me successful in business. Why this uneducated, barefoot, country girl has been able to achieve titles such as "Program Director", "Executive Assistant", "Program Administrator", "Director of Safety and Compliance" and "Director of Operations". I have never in my life been handed a job or project either professional or personal that I said, "I can't" or "I don't know how" to. If I have a job to do, I do it. I hear and have heard for years, "Laurie will make it happen", "Laurie can do it", "Laurie, you are the best", "Laurie, what would we do without you?" It is not because I want to excel so badly that I have become the "go to girl". It is because everyday that I get up and look into the mirror I have to prove to myself that I am not a bitch, that I am not stupid, that I am not worthless. Everyday I battle the demons inside me that tell me that I will never be good enough.

That's right, I can handle it all, I am a strong woman. 

You know when someone asks you, "how are you?" Everytime you respond, "I am fine, thank you. How are you?" Probably half of the people you ask are not fine but we all know that the person asking would hate if you told the truth. People are not comfortable hearing of others pain. When my son died, my best friend never even so much as called, my mother did not come over and when I walked down aisles in the grocery store in my small town, people turned and walked the other direction. They didn't know what to say, so they avoided me. My son died and I was friendless and alone. I was strong though, I packed up his things, only allowed myself to cry three times, once at the time of his death, once while packing and once at his funeral. I braced myself and did not want to cry at his funeral and I thought I could get through it without crying but when I saw his tiny casket, I let a few tears slip. I was careful not to break down though because I didn't want to make anybody there uncomfortable.

If you are reading this, it is making you uncomfortable, I am sure. Nobody wants to know these things about another person. It is like a car wreck though and once you look, you have to keep looking and so, here you are reading about me. 

Molestation and physical abuse as a child definitely make people uncomfortable! God forbid a child should talk about that. Especially when it is happening in their own home or at the hands of a well-respected deacon in their church or someone that is to be trusted, like a grandmother.

Rape is another taboo subject. I think the veil has been lifted somewhat in recent years but in 1982 it was not something you spoke of. Only two involved, your word against his. Women were counseled to just keep quiet rather then go through the trauma of a court case. Which really worked well for me because as I said, I learned early to keep quiet. Nevermind the physical evidence, the bruises, the missing chunks of hair, the missing fingernails, ripped off from hanging on so tight to your pants while they are being jerked off that when they finally come lose they take your fingernails with them.

I attended the same church for ten years during my first marriage. I played the piano, I led worship, I taught children's church, I helped with the youth group, I led women's seminars for groups of up to 100 women teaching them how to be Proverbs 31 women. I wanted so badly to be a good wife and mother. My church had become as close to me as family. When I suddenly found myself single with 5 children, the youngest only 8 days old, not one person from the church, not even my pastor paid me a call or spoke with me to see if I was okay. I can't fault them. What do you say to someone in my position? Someone who dedicated her life to being a good wife only to have the police come and arrest her husband on 72 counts of rape. And here, I always thought the abuse he put me through was special - just between the two of us. They didn't know what to say and they all assumed someone else had called. 

I am not writing this for sympathy, I am writing because these are my thoughts and I find it cathartic to write. 

I don't want to be strong anymore. I want the luxury of being weak. I crave the treat of being able to cry freely. I covet the ability to lay down at night and just close my eyes and sleep. I so desire the ability to look in the mirror and see someone worthwhile looking back at me.

In the meantime, everyday I get up and set out to prove myself again.

People tell me I have a great personality, that I am funny, charming. The jokes I tell are not for you. They are for me. As long as I keep joking and smiling, I am strong and as long as I am strong people enjoy my company.

The strong woman is a myth. She doesn't exist. The strong woman is a woman hiding her pain.

Naked

I bared myself to you.....

I showed you the real me. You heard my hopes, dreams, fears, joys and my past. You watched as I cried for both joy and pain. You saw me laugh, smile and dance. You saw me on my good days and my bad days. I never hid anything. I never tried to be something I am not. There was never a pretense between us. Just me, being me, loving you.

I bared myself to you.....

I unveiled my heart. I had it buried deep before you came along. I will never understand why I was so quick to give something away that I had kept so protected for so long. But I did. Willingly and happily, I handed it over to your care. Knowing that it was safe with you. Knowing that you would cherish it.

I bared myself to you.....

I gave you my body. Standing there with my insecurites raging, you said, "it's okay, I love you". As the robe dropped and I felt the chill in the room, my heart raced as a rush of acceptance flowed from you and my fears faded. Any thought I had of not being good enough was then quickly replaced by my passion for you.

I bared myself to you.....

I let you see every facet of me. Unashamed, because I felt comfortable with you from the begining, safe, secure and loved. I happily shared who I was completely. How could you truly love me, if you didn't truly know me? With that knowledge, I allowed you into my private world. 

I bared myself to you.....

I extended my spirit, my soul and my body to you. I gave you my love, my tears and my laughter. I gave my all, everyday. 

I bared myself to you.......

and now I am naked, cold and alone.

I Need You To Know

I need you to know that I hold you inside me, coursing through my veins. 

I feel you in every part of my being. 

I hear your words echoing inside my head, "I love you madly".

My life is torn by my thoughts of you.

Do I smile at the memory of you?

Or do I give in to the pain that overcomes me at the loss of you?

I need you to know that I hung on every word, belieiving in and trusting you.

Planning my days around you.

I feel your words aching in my soul, "we were predestined before time began".

I focused my world on merging with yours.

Can I ever give up my dreams of you?

Or am I destined to relive each moment throughout time?

I need you to know that you will never find another to love you as I.

Willing to give my all to you.

I see your words on the slate before me, "I will take you to our home."

I dissembled my life such as it is.

Can I ever hope to rebuild it?

Or will it lie in shambles at my feet with my broken dreams?

I need you know how I feel.

You were never the fool. 

It was me all along.

I Thought About You Today

I thought about you today and do you know what happened?

My eyes sparkled. I was sitting in a business meeting and I could feel the light from them falling upon the room and I wondered if the others there knew I was in love.

I smiled all day. Everywhere I went, there was a smile on my face. The sort of smile that elicited notice from those around and I was certain that they knew that I was thinking of someone that meant more then the air I breathe.

I was aroused. As I thought of you, I felt my body respond to my imaginings. I wanted you all throughout the day and could not wait to be one with you.

I skipped. Just walking through a courtyard I kicked my heels in joy. I could not help it for the very thought of you brings me such happiness knowing I am yours and you are mine.

I thought about you today and do you know what happened?

From my head to my toes I eminated my love for you and happiness at the gift of you in my life.

What Do You Want From Me?

Do you want me on my knees?

I have been there many times.

Do you want me to swear my undying devotion?

I have done that as well.

Do you want me to serve you?

I have proven my loyalty.

Do you want me to pleasure you?

I have shown you my passion.

Do you want me to hurt and cry?

I have without relent.

Did you not see in the night?

No

You did not see my tears.

You did not hear my words.

You did not understand my depth.

You did not feel my love.

Take Me

Take Me

and show me your world

Take Me

to the places and people you love

Take Me

and teach me who you are inside

Take Me

my spirit, my soul, my body

Take Me

all of me and let me love you

Take Me

Mommy...

"Mommy, why are you crying?" The question stings and my chest feels heavy. How do you answer? How do you tell the most precious person in the world that though you would not trade the feeling of her hand in yours for anything else in the world, that it's not enough? How do you tell her that when you lay in bed at night her goodnight kisses still leave you feeling lonely? How do you tell her the pressures that beset you and keep you awake at night? It is the hardest question in the world, "Mommy, why are you crying?", the impossible question. Impossible to answer, impossible to understand, impossible to avoid. Mommy, put back on your smile, little people are watching.

Just Live

Unfurl your wings spread them wide 

and jump!

Open the gates to your soul

and live!

Make your heart free, let it go

and love!

Life is but a moment.

Time is the enemy,

as the moment is stolen.

Don't let it pass,

A life of regrets,

is a moment wasted.

Shout, cry, love, laugh and feel...

revel in your senses...

play in the garden....

of emotion

frolic in the sea...

of passion

and never...

never look back.

My Senses

I hear your voice and my heartbeat speeds,

pounding hard against my chest.

I see your smile and I have to catch my breath,

heavy beneath my breast.

I smell your scent and try to calm my nerves,

heightened by your essence.

I feel your body close to mine and I become lost

within your presence.

And when I taste your lips, your neck, your chest,

and so much more,

the symphony of my senses leaves me helpless,

and shaken to my core.

Savoring all these feelings I am aware that nothing less will do

my ears, my eyes, my nose, my mouth all tell me I must have you.

Some Thoughts On My Love

Some thoughts on my love....

I find mymind turning to you throughout my day

and each time, I feel the corners of my mouth raise into a smile.

For the very thought of you brings a compendium of emotion....

I feel love -

my heart warm as a summer day.

I feel peace -

just knowing you care for me.

I feel strength -

I can face anything with you by my side.

I feel happy -

when I imagine the smile in your eyes.

I feel desire -

yearning for you as I would water in the desert.

I feel playful -

as I imagine ways to make you laugh.

All these emotions are chased down with a dose of sadness

because I can't touch you.

Then the cycle begins again

and I feel love.

Sitting, Waiting, Hoping

Sitting, waiting and hoping

I have done it for so long I do not know any different

Wanting, needing, aching

the feelings everpresent haunt my days and nights

Living, laughing, loving

the dream that eludes me time after time

Guilt, shame, regrets

all that I hold within the shackles of my mind

Restless, racing, shapeless

the thoughts that engulf my very being

Sighing, crying, dying

the very breath sucked from my core

Sitting, waiting, hoping

for you

Do You Know?

Do you know how often I think of you - 

and how my heart races at the mere thought of you?

Do you know why I smile more often -

and how happy you have made me?

Do you know how you have touched my heart -

and returned hope to it?

Do you know that you have permeated every facet of my being -

and that I feel as though you are a part of me now?

Do you know how I long for you near me -

and how I ache to touch you?

Do you know how I feel -

and are you reading this now?

A New Day

Have you ever seen a glass left full of milk,
and you find it sour, curdled...
the smell of rottenness fills your nostrils?
Does that make all milk bad?
Does that ruin the glass?
No...
Milk is still good, it still brings nourishment...
the glass can be like new again.
The key is to discard the rottenness left in the glass.
If you do not,
all is naught,
it is unpleasant to all
and of no use.
What putrid things do you hold inside?
What thoughts and feelings 
that permeate you, the vessel?
Let them go
breathe deep
and exhale fully.
Let the goodness that life has to offer
fill you instead.
God bless your new day.

Walking Through The Forest

I was walking through the woods and I felt a hot breath on my neck

I shivered in response feeling the hair stand up at my nape.

Then I heard a voice quiet in my ear,

“don’t be afraid”.

Don’t be afraid?

But I am alone in the woods and it is dark.

How can I not fear,

How can I not tremble,

How can I not run?

“Don’t be afraid” the voice said again, louder this time.

What if I stumble?

What if there are predators in the forest?

What if I get lost?

“Don’t be afraid”, I felt the voice resonate through me now booming in my ear.

But, I have been in these woods before.

I have been lost here before.

It took me so long to find my way.

I have been injured here before.

It took me so long to heal,

And I still bear the scars.

My feet wanted to run and run fast.

But the voice quiet again said,

“Don’t be afraid, take a chance, 

Explore the woods and you may find the meadow you have searched for.”

My mind raced and my fear subsided for a moment

As I pictured the place of my dreams.

That most tranquil and beautiful place,

A place of safety, comfort and beauty.

Jerked back to reality, I wanted to run again.

But, I felt a hand on my shoulder compelling me to stay.

“Don’t be afraid, as your fear will consume you.”

I closed my eyes to block out everything else,

I only wanted to focus on this voice directing my steps.

“Don’t be afraid, in safety, there is never great gain.”

Listening to the rhythmic breath in my ear,

Feeling the hand guiding me,

Feeling the warmth of the breath in my cold solitude

I knew I had to take a chance and stay.

And I knew that when my fear returned,

As it most certainly would,

All I had to do was close my eyes, shut out the world

And focus on the voice.

I am still wandering in this forest

I am still alone

I still get frightened

But I have gained the hope of finding that meadow

And that alone makes it worth the risk.

Just A Kiss

“It’s just a kiss”

Just a kiss you say?

In a kiss belies your spirit.

In a mother’s kiss is the power to take away your pain.

A mother’s kiss has the power of a tranquilizer,

Soothing the cares of the world and 

Sending young souls off to dream 

Of super powers and fantastic voyages.

A mother’s kiss tells you

You are worthy of love

Giving you the confidence to face the world.

Stolen kisses of youth

Ignite feelings unbeknownst before

Feeling your body’s response as your lips meet

Trailing kisses that linger long after they occur

Burning into your flesh like a brand

Never to be forgotten

A kiss can make a good lover

A great lover

After all, a kiss is where it all begins

And a kiss is where it ends

A kiss can say hello, goodbye, I love you, 

I wish the best for you

I am beside you and even

I hate you

Just a kiss tells a story better then words

Words can lie

Words can deceive

But you know in a kiss

A brush of the lips that let you know

You didn’t measure up

And you know that is your last meeting

Even if unspoken

Hungry, passionate kisses that say

I want you

Light, tender kisses that tell you

The giver wants only the best and brightest for you

Then there are those kisses

Oh, those kisses

Those kisses that start slowly

Softly

Eyes gazing into you

A parting of the lips

Still gazing

Indelibly marking themselves on your mind

Those kisses that surpass the barrier

Of human flesh

Those kisses that intertwine souls

Those unmistakable kisses that say

I love you

Just a kiss?

How Do I Fit?

How do I fit into your view of what is normal in society? 

How do I fit into your value system? 

How do I fit into your future plans?


Did you notice that I don't care what you want me to be? 

Did you notice that I am my own person? 

Did you notice that I have plans of my own?


Don't try to make me something I am not. 

Don't try to change me. 

Don't try to tell me what is best for my future.


I am a square peg, I know. 

I am a sinner, I know. 

I am aimless and undisciplined, I know.


When you were meddling in my life, did you notice me wince? 

When you were judging me, did you see me cry? 

When you were giving me advice, did you see my despair?


Accept me as I am. 

Love me, despite my errs, 

And walk beside me forever.

While You Are Sleeping

I hope you are sleeping and having beautiful dreams.

While you are sleeping I will steal my way into your dreams and softly brush my lips against yours. I will whisper, "I love you" in your ear. Wrapping you in the warmth of my touch. Running my fingers through your hair and breathing my hot breath against your neck. Stretching myself up against the length of your body and caressing your outline.

And you would wake, certain of my love for you.

While you are sleeping I will steal my way into your heart. I will smile as I come upon the loved ones you keep there and I will love them as well. I will sneak my way into the inner chambers and learn the joy and pain of your past. I will bathe your wounds with my tears and kiss each broken place. I will embrace all that is good in you and learn to understand the things you struggle with. I will continue my journey to the center of your heart and plant my seed within you. 

And you will wake certain that I have touched your heart.

While you are sleeping, I am a part of you as you are a part of me. All the world is good and right with our hearts, bodies and minds intertwined.

And when you wake you will feel that peace that refreshes you for the day ahead.

So Much I Don't Know

So Much I Don't Know....

I don't know why people lie to win someones heart

don't they know how much that can hurt?

I don't know why I was never enough

I held you so many times when things were rough.

I don't why you went away

or if there are any words left I can say.

I don't know if I'll ever love again

or if my heart will ever mend.

My Eyes

I have been weak and I have been strong... 
I have been poor and I have been rich.... 
I have laughed and I have cried.... 
I have been loved and I have been hated.... 
In the end the only thing that matters... 
is if the eyes that look back at you from the mirror have a soul

The Mason

I have this friend – he is a mason

And he does such beautiful work.

He is such a good friend and loves me so much

He has made it his duty to protect me.

So sweet of him to think of me this way

He has built this impenetrable rock wall around me

And I recognize so many of the stones.

Each added to the wall at times of hurt and loss.

That one, was when my first love broke my heart

And that one, was when he hit me.

That one I don’t really want to talk about, 

but I remember when he put it there.

I have always been so thankful for my friend and this beautiful wall he has built.

So safe, so secure, all because of my friend.

But wait, what if I want out?

What if I want to run free or to fly?

This beautiful wall not only keeps you out,

But it keeps me locked inside.

Maybe he was not really my friend at all.

Never

I said I'd never need you; I said I'd never want you; I said we could be friends; I even went so far as to say my life hadn't changed;

Tonight I sat and waited for your call - I wanted you

I felt alone when it never came - I needed you

I cried for not being able to hear your voice - I loved you

And my life - forever changed - seemed empty without you

Slow Bleed

I love these shoes.....but I can't love you......My heart is empty......when you speak into it all you will hear is your own voice echoing back......I think maybe it's defective......or maybe it's just been wounded too many times......I don't know.......Sometimes I think maybe it is filling back up......but then I find that I was wrong......It just keeps emptying.....Like a slow bleed.

I have faith that I will wake again tomorrow.....but I don't have faith in you.....I had faith once.....it is a vague recollection......I think it felt good.....but I'm not really sure.....I know it disappeared.....and there is no trace of it now......I'm not even sure where I kept it anymore....it went away so slowly I didn't notice.... like a slow bleed.

I hope I have a good day.....but I don't hope to be with you.....not anymore.....I think I had hope once.....but it too disappeared.....where do these things go.....one day you look and they're just gone.....and you can feel life sucking your breath from you.....like a slow bleed.