I'm Not Afraid Anymore.....

Just a quick thought that I fancied sharing.....

My kids were watching "Home Alone" yesterday on the television and I happened to walk in the living room and sit down, cuddling with my five year old for a bit, catching some of the movie. I came in as the two bumbling burglars tried to access the house and the little boy turned on all the lights and then ran upstairs and hid under the bed. After being under the bed for a while he said to himself, "I can't stay under here forever". He then walked outside and announced, "I'm not afraid anymore! Do you hear me? I said, I'm not afraid anymore!" About that time when he was feeling empowered as he announced his new found courage, he came face to face with his neighbor looking ominous and holding a shovel, to which he turned and ran screaming back to the bed.

Isn't this analogous to many of our spiritual walks? We learn something about the character of God and we step out in new found faith and courage only to have Satan come at us with his shovel, scaring us back into our old ways and habits.

I didn't watch the whole movie but I remember when I watched it years ago that the old man that scared Kevin so badly at the begining of the movie ended up helping him defeat the bad guys in the end.

Just for the record, I want to say that I am truly not afraid anymore. I know the end of the story. I know that those things that Satan means for my harm, God will turn and use for my good. I know that I am victorious.

The Secret Deception

Those that have seen my blog know that I love to write. But, I have this deep need somehow inside of me for others that read my writing to enjoy it. I don't generally write on light topics but yet, I still try to tickle the mind a bit in my writings. So, I will mull on a topic until I feel ready to write. Tonight, I'm not ready but what I have inside of me can't wait. My prayer is that I will be able to pull it all together and make sense of what is boiling inside of me.

I read some quotes this morning written by a doctor I know. They were excellent quotes portraying Christian principles yet, he is not a Christian. One of the things he talked about was the power within ones mind to heal and he stated that anger and bitterness cause "dis-ease" and therefore disease within the body. I found myself agreeing with him, knowing that is a biblical principle (Proverbs 14:30 "The life of the body is a heart at peace, but envy rots the bones.") and yet, somehow feeling sad because I realized how difficult it would be for this man to come to Jesus.

These thoughts were followed by thoughts on the book, "The Secret".... this book has become so popular and although a secular book, teaches Christian principles. I have seen it touted even in Christian circles and as I thought on it this morning, my heart was grieved. Grieved for the non-believers that figure out the principles in life that bring health and healing knowing that it will drive them farther from the Father and grieved for the Christians alike. You may wonder why it would worry me for Christians to learn Christian principles and I will tell you.... First, they are Christian principles but many Christians that have not searched the scriptures will not recognize them as such. Second, learning the principles this way circumvents the process that would normally bring one to these realizations.

The path to living an abundant life is a path of growth as we learn more about the character of Jesus and God the Father. We grow closer to Him as we learn His word and apply it precept upon precept in our lives. Mark 13:22 talks about the end times and states, "For false Christs and false prophets shall rise, and shall shew signs and wonders, to seduce, if it were possible, even the elect." I believe we are being seduced into an abundant life that is a perversion of what God truly has for us. Satan is sly.... we have to take notice and carefully examine what we put before our eyes. The enemy is working hard to deceive us. 2 Corinthians 11:3 says, "But I am afraid that, as the serpent in his craftiness deceived Eve, so your minds may be led astray from their single-heartedness and their fidelity to Christ." My fear is that I am watching this happen. Jesus came and died that we might have life and have it more abundantly, He has offered us healing, deliverance, provision, love, peace but, there is no short cut. We gain these things through relationship with the one who created us to be in communion with Him.

P.S. Pastor Rob Hastings reminded me of this passage in 2 Timothy 3:1- "But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God-- having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them."

This is most definitely a form of godliness but denying its power. What a strong admonition. We need to take heed.

The Tired Perspective

I had a friend ask me the other day, "do you ever just get tired?" Of course the answer is yes. I do get tired.. in fact, I spent too much of my life tired. Now I have a different perspective and have left the tired perspective behind. Not that it doesn't try to creep in fairly often but I refuse to let it, instead casting my cares on Him and trusting in His promise to give me rest. Knowing that God is no respecter of persons (in other words what He has done for one, He will do for another according to Acts 10:34) I see many verses promising rest.

Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Isaiah 14:3 "And it shall come to pass in the day that the LORD shall give you rest from your sorrow, and from your fear, and from the hard bondage wherein you were made to serve."
Exodus 33:14 "And he said, My presence shall attend thee, and I will give thee rest."
Joshua 1:13 "Remember the command that Moses the servant of the LORD gave you: 'The LORD your God is giving you rest and has granted you this land."

I have had a large number of trials in this life, some that I created through my own bad decisions and some that were foist upon me by other evil people. I started life with faith but somewhere along the way I began asking, "why me?" "Why me God? Why do I have to suffer?" I resented the hurt and the pain and wondered why God would allow such a thing to happen to me. I found myself tired and blaming my tiredness on my Lord. Here is where the tired perspective comes in.... the tired perspective says, "I hurt, God allowed it to happen and therefore I am tired and angry with God."

I am going to present to you a new perspective...I know without a shadow of a doubt that I have a calling on my life to serve the Lord... that makes me a huge threat to the enemy's kingdom. I know that as such a threat the enemy works that much harder to discourage me. The more he attacks me, the more convinced I become that I have the potential to be great in the kingdom of God. I am not bragging in any way because I have made so many mistakes in my life that I am humbled and so very grateful any time God chooses to use me to touch another.

So, what does this little change in perspective accomplish? Look closely at the shift... instead of saying "why me" and feeling beaten and run down I can now say, thank you Jesus for choosing me. Knowing that I am that big of a threat to satan and his minions empowers me. Instead of wearing me down now I have grown stronger.

I am tired of the tired perspective. It's long past time to shift our perspectives.... to recognize the call on your life, to recognize the greatness within you, to recognize that you are being buffeted by the enemy but you have been promised victory!

If you don't believe me, just look at the evidence below!

Psalms 108:13 "With God we will gain the victory, and he will trample down our enemies."
Proverbs 2:7 "He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless"
Psalms 44:7 "but you give us victory over our enemies, you put our adversaries to shame."
1 John 5:4 "for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith."

You will overcome, God has destined you for greatness, God has a call on your life. Go after it, live in victory, rise up in strength as you change your perspective. You can do it. I believe in you.

Psalms 18:35 "You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great."

Gifts

When it comes to my children, I would love to be able to give them the world. It actually hurts my heart when they are in need of something and I cannot help them with it or provide it for them. It is like a heavy weight on my chest. On birthday's and holidays I dream so much bigger than what I can actually afford and I find myself wistfully thinking of what I would buy "if only"..... I have never been a materialistic person in any way but the one thing I would like to be able to afford.... to help my children when they are in need. (Okay.... that and good sheets because there is nothing like a bed made with good sheets after a long day!)

The Bible speaks of "our father". Galatians 4:6 says, "Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." If God is our father, I must assume that He feels as strongly about me as His child as I do toward my earthly children. He must long to give me the world.

Matthew 7:11 says, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Wait a minute..... if I want to give my children the world and I am just an evil old sinner..... this says that God wants to give me even more!! The difference though, is not only in the amount of what He wishes to bestow upon me but in that.... He has already done it.

He died to give me dominion and authority over the earth, He lives to give me victory, He has given me healing, power, grace, mercy, forgiveness, love.... and yet, many times I have not taken it. If it hurts me to not be able to provide for my children, how much more must it hurt our heavenly Father when He offers gifts that we refuse to take and He looks down to see us struggling in lack?

Reach out and take the gifts He has given you.

My Shopping List

I keep a shopping list with the intent of writing things down as I notice that we are running low or as I use the last of something. The idea is that the house never runs out of the things we find necessary such as dish soap, laundry detergent, toilet paper, etc. And really.... it's a great plan.

I bought the kind of shopping list with a magnet attached to the back so that I could put it on my refrigerator (somewhere I go far too often) knowing that seeing it would jog my memory and motivate me to write things down. The pad is even a special shape.... not just any ordinary lined paper but this shopping list pad is long, narrow, lined sheets.... perfect for making a list. I even attached a pen to the list so I would never have to look for one. Any time I needed it... it was right there.

My house is two stories high with one bedroom and one bath on the first floor and my children's bedrooms and bath on the second. Why this is significant is because I rarely use their restroom. They are old enough to be responsible for themselves so, I expect them to let me know when their restroom is out of shampoo, toothpaste, toilet paper, etc. Yet, often I find my things gone out of my restroom because they have let theirs run out and not bothered to tell me until it was too late.

When this happens I find myself snapping at them, "why didn't you tell me you were running low?" But, in all honesty, they are no different from me. Here I am with my AESLS (Advanced Executive Shopping List System) and yet.... I run out of things often. I grow accustomed to seeing my list and it no longer motivates me to write things down, sometimes the pen doesn't want to work using it at that angle, etc. I am lazy about it until I am left without at which point I become annoyed with myself at my laziness.

I am the exact same way when it comes to my spiritual life. When my spiritual pantry is full, I become lazy and apathetic. It doesn't seem so bad to run out of just one little thing....when I have so much else. Spiritual laziness carries a much higher price - after all, see Revelation 3:15&16 "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth."

I can just see God in heaven watching as my resources of hope, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness (fruit of the Spirit according to Galatians 5:23) and self-control begin to run low having a reaction much the same as mine toward my children when I, in exasperation ask, "why didn't you tell me?" We need to tell God what we have need of - just like the blind man in Mark 10:51. Jesus knew he was blind and I am sure He could have assumed that he wanted to see but, He asked him, "what do you want?" and the blind man answered, "Rabbi, I want to see."

Let's just look at a few verses together.

Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

John 16:24 "Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete."

Matthew 7:7-11 ""Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

It's time to keep up on our spiritual shopping list. Time to take inventory and make God aware of what we are running low on. Really, there is never any excuses for running out of any resource when God is just waiting for us to ask.

Hope Like a Child....

Remember those days as a child when you knew exactly what you wanted out of life? I often think back to when my daughter Keeley was little and she loved the color pink. She would tell people, "when I grow up, I am going to be a doctor and I am going to get married to a pink husband and live in a pink house with pink grass." When Drew was little he insisted on being called "Farmer Drool" and he used to tell people that he was going to live in a house that looked like a big red barn that had 37 bedrooms and he was going to have 14 wives and 117 children! Some pretty specific hopes.

The Bible says we are to become as little children. I think the lesson here is to know what you want and what you hope for. We lose ourselves through the pressures of life and we forget what it is we really want or we figure we can't have it anyway so, settle for a plan B, C, D or even F. I know I need more money but I don't know how much, I know I need a new car but I don't know what kind exactly. When I was a kid I could have told you make, model, year and color.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for..... faith brings into being the things we hope for but if our hope is not specific then is it really hope at all? How can you have faith for something vague and nebulous?

Make your list.... what is it that you are believing God for? Imagine yourself with it, see yourself with what you hope for.......hope, after all, is the first step.

Resisting the Devil

In Christian circles you often hear people quote James 4:7 "So place yourselves under God's authority. Resist the devil, and he will run away from you." It's a pretty awesome promise yet, why is it that it seems like he is always there niggling away at Christians instead of running away like the word says? Is there some kind of trick that makes it work?

I believe that where the problem lies is in resisting too late. Just like a weed growing in a garden.... when you pluck out the seedlings.... it's easy.... if you let the weed grow..... the bigger it gets.... the harder it is to pull. We spend our time resisting a headache when we have a brain tumor... we come against the symptom, rather than the root of the problem. The second issue is we stand against the devil without our armor and he comes prepared with his arsenal.

So, let's defeat the devil! Let's walk together through this process....

First, put on the whole armor of God. Don't think you are going to resist the devil without your armor.... you are setting yourself up for defeat. We find how to put on the whole armor of God in Epehesians 6:11-19 "Take up God's instruments of war, so that you may be able to keep your position against all the deceits of the Evil One. For our fight is not against flesh and blood, but against authorities and powers, against the world-rulers of this dark night, against the spirits of evil in the heavens. For this reason take up all the arms of God, so that you may be able to be strong in the evil day, and, having done all, to keep your place. Take your place, then, having your body clothed with the true word, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness; Be ready with the good news of peace as shoes on your feet; And most of all, using faith as a cover to keep off all the flaming arrows of the Evil One. And take salvation for your head-dress and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: With prayers and deep desires, making requests at all times in the Spirit, and keeping watch, with strong purpose, in prayer for all the saints"

Putting on part of the armor of God won't do... you must put on the whole armor. I could go on about how to saturate yourself in the Word, walk in righteousness, etc. But, in simple terms, putting on the whole armor of God is putting on God - period. Cover yourself in God. Fill your mind with God, speak the Word of God, listen to only those things that build up your spirit and give glory to God, look at only those things that build you up, etc. Immerse yourself in God and you have put on the whole armor of God. And by doing this you will be complying with Ephesians 4:27 which tells us to "never give the devil a foothold."

Second, be ever watchful. 1 Peter 5:8 tells us, "Keep your mind clear, and be alert. Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion as he looks for someone to devour." We are commanded all through scriptures to be on guard. Mark 13:9 tells us to be on guard. We are told to guard ourselves from false teachings and Godless chatter in 1 Timothy 6:2. Proverbs 4:23 tells us we must guard our hearts. And I just love Nahum 2:1, "The one who will scatter you is coming to attack you. Guard your fortress! Keep a lookout on the road! Prepare for battle! Be very courageous!"

It is not often in battle that the opponent comes right up to you and presents you with the opportunity to steal yourself. In warfare, the attacks that do the most damage are the sneak attacks, those that the opponent is unprepared for. The devil will come against you subtlely tempting you in the little things, planting seeds of the weeds of sin. A simple thought that you let sneak in, a careless word, misplaced anger. As you stand on guard, it is the little things that sneak their way inside your armor that prepare the way for defeat.

Third, have faith. 1 Corinthians 16:13 says, "Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong." How do we stand firm in the faith? We build our faith through hearing the Word of God and we hear it by confessing it. Romans 10:17 "So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God." Speak the word, speak the word, speak the word. And this brings us full circle back to putting on the whole armor of God.

Brand New Boots....

Do you remember that old song, "These Boots Were Made for Walking"?  I was thinking about that today.  So odd how old songs will sometimes pop into mind seemingly out of nowhere leaving you wondering what reminded you of them.  

"These boots were made for walking and that's just what they'll do.  One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.  Are you ready boots?  Start walking."  

I used to have a pair of boots just like that.  Being angry and hurt with feet to rush in for revenge.   The key word here being "used".  One of the definitions in the Merriam-Webster dictionary for the word used is "accustomed, habituated."  Pretty fitting in this case.  I was accustomed to fighting for myself at one time and I was wearing my war boots.  Sometimes I habituated the wrong places and wore my party boots..... I could go on but I know you get the picture.  

Let me share a jewel with you found in Ephesians 1:18-23 "I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.  And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way." 

Hmmm..... all things are placed under his feet.... guess that means our walking boots are of little effect.  Jesus already has it all under control.  We have a hope now and are able to look forward to a bright future, no more worries of what was in the past.  2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"  So, why is it that we keep trying to put on our old shoes?  Why is that we return again and again to those things that we are "used" to?  Those things that we have grown accustomed to and those places inside of us that we have habituated.  It is a lie from the enemy that those old things are more comfortable.  He would have us believe that we can never escape from those old boots and just when we are feeling good about our progress we either slip them back on or someone comes along to say, "hey, aren't you the girl that used to wear the walking boots?"  

Yep, that WAS me.  But God is doing a new thing in me.  He is making a way in the desert and bringing up springs in the wasteland that was my soul.  Now I wear the preparation of the gospel of peace on my feet!  I like how the Weymouth New Testament states Ephesians 6:15 "as well as the shoes of the Good News of peace-- a firm foundation for your feet."

I have a brand new pair of boots and my feet are set on a firm foundation. But these boots are not made for walking, these boots are made for running headlong into the new life that God has laid out before me.  These boots are made for jumping up and down and dancing in the joy of the Lord.  These boots are made to serve my Father.

Baggage

The other day I was reading personal ads with a family member for the entertainment value.  Funny how some of these people lament their being single and seem to be completely clueless as to why when complete strangers can read a few sentences that they wrote and almost instantly determine why they have yet to find their "soul mate."  At times, we humans seem to be oblivious to our own faults.  Reminds me of the Bible verse in Luke 6:42 which says, "How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

There is the ad that makes Star Trek references throughout, the man who calls himself "the wolfman" and references wherewolves and the lady who wants a partner willing to marry her.......the only catch is..... she is already married.  We read through the ads at times laughing so hard it hurt but at the same time noticing some trends.  One of the recurring themes that popped up in ad after ad was people stating that they did not want somebody "with baggage".  Ouch!  Is baggage all that bad?  I mean really, how do you get through this life without picking up some baggage along the way.  I dare say that if you show me a person without baggage, you are showing me a. a liar or b. someone who will fall apart in the slightest storm.

The way I see it, I have a full set of luggage.....the soft-sided carry on, the cosmetic bag, the large roll along, the medium sized roll along, the garment bag, etc.  Yep, a full set of luggage all collected amidst the trials of life.  Believe it or not, there is good news though.  See, God knew we would pick up baggage along the way and would grow weary under the burden, there is no way to avoid it for, "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23) and sin produces baggage.  Sometimes it is our own sin and sometimes it is the sin of others that produces baggage in our lives but it is always there.  But, He also promised to be our porter!!!    Matthew 11:28 & 29 says, "Come to Me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

So, why are we all carrying around this baggage that weighs us down and apparently scares off the high quality folk posting personal ads?  Because we don't know.... we don't know that all we have to do is ask and God is there waiting to take our load.  You see, the promises in the Bible do us no good if we don't know they are there.  The enemy loves to keep us ignorant and struggling when we have a God that is able to feed a crowd of 5,000 with 5 small loaves of bread and 2 little fish and still have leftover, we have a God who gave us the keys to the kingdom of heaven, which we put up on the shelf in our teepee for safe keeping?  Everyone knows that is a ridiculous analogy yet, it's true.  

What baggage are you carrying?  What burdens are you buckling under today?  What hope inside of you, have you let die because of hurt and disappointment?  

He's a perfect gentleman, standing there offering to take your bags but you have to give them over.  Let God be your porter.  Give it all over to Him and don't hold back.  He loves you and He will give you rest.

An Unlikely Instrument

I am a little tired this evening but I had some thoughts I wanted to get written down.  I pray I am able to make sense of them.

The other day my kids and I were traveling down to California from Oregon and as we were driving, we came into a lightening storm.  As we drove into the storm, my son told me about a little girl in his Sunday school class who told the class, "when you hear thunder, the angels are bowling and they are getting a strike."  I rolled my eyes at this story but then proceeded to tell them when I was a little girl, I used to tell people that thunder was the angels clapping their hands.  I know there is a scientific explanation for thunder but I like my story.  

But, telling that story to my children brought the Bible verse in Luke 19:40 to mind, "and he answering said to them, 'I say to you, that, if these shall be silent, the stones will cry out!'  

I used to sing a song in church that incorporated this verse and it went;

"Before the rocks cry out I just want to praise Him, just want to praise Him for all He's done.  Before all nature rises up to shout I just want to praise Him for all He's done for me."

Thinking about these words, I told my children that perhaps the thunder really is the angels clapping and maybe they are clapping and praising God because we aren't doing our job.  So, we decided that we should say, "praise God" everytime we see the lightening.  We continued to drive into a very large lightening storm and for an hour the kids tried to beat each other shouting out, "praise God" first at every flash.  It was a great time together.... one that I know I will always remember.  

But, of course, I am not stopping there....

I love what the Wesley Notes have to say about Luke 19:40 "If these (disciples praising Jesus) should hold their peace, the stones, which lie before you, would cry out - That is, God would raise up some still more unlikely instruments to declare his praise. For the power of God will not return empty." 

An unlikely instrument?  Perhaps  an unlikely instrument crying out from the earth such as thunder, a volcanic eruption, an earthquake..... aren't the rocks crying out more and more?  I think they are as our voices have grown silent.  We have become pressured beneath the load of the world instead of giving Him our burdens (Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.")  We have become embarrassed to speak out His name and we are treading on dangerous ground (Mark 8:38 "If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father's glory with the holy angels.")

In this world with the trials we all face from day to day we have become those unlikely instruments.  People in the world cannot fathom the peace that passeth all understanding.  People in the world live within the dimensions that can be seen and felt and cannot understand how we can see the same picture yet envision a different outcome.  But, I live according to the promises in His word.  And that picture paints me praising God every second of everyday.  

Thank you Jesus for making me an unlikely instrument and for putting your praise in my mouth, your life on my lips and your power in my tongue.  When we see the awesome power of nature rising up..... let us be reminded that WE are to be that instrument of praise and we should have praised Him BEFORE the rocks cried out.

 

Letting My Light Shine

I was reading my Bible today and came across Matthew 5:16. It is a verse I have read many times in my life but today it jumped off the page at me, "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven." We all know we are supposed to be like light in the darkness around us, we all sang the children's song, "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...."

But today I noticed something different. Today I noticed that my light is supposed to shine in such a way that it will cause others to glorify God. Wow! That is just not normal in our society. What would it take to let your light shine in such a way that it brings glory to God? Recognition is a hugely motivating factor in people's lives. People love to be seen as the talented one or the good samaritan, etc. I know how to do good things that will benefit others and also put just a little bit of the light on me. I don't need all the light of course but just a little pat on the back might feel nice. I really had to think about this one and these are a few of the things that I believe it would take to shine a light that points to the Father instead of to me;

1. Anonymity - If I do things to gain the respect of man, I lose the respect of God. Matthew 6:3 says, "But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." The true reward comes when we are able to selflessly do our work as unto the Lord. (Colossians 3:23) Doing works that glorify God in a state of anonymity can only point people in one direction.... to the Father.

2. Diligence - Romans 12:11 says, "Never be lazy in showing such devotion. Be on fire with the Spirit. Serve the Lord." We are to serve God by being "on fire" with the Spirit. On fire? Imagine if you will someone truly on fire. You see videos of houses on fire and out the door comes someone in flames, just sauntering out like it's no big deal. No.... that is not how it happens at all is it? You see someone running out, diving to the ground to roll, jumping up and down.... this is the attitude, these are the actions of one truly "on fire" and these on fire people never stop. To point people in the direction of God, you have to be diligent in your works, diligent in your confession, diligent in your countenance. Be on fire!

3. Attitude - There is nothing that points to the grace of God more than a loving and kind attitude in the midst of lifes trials. Philippians 2:5 says, "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:" I don't know about you but, I'm in trouble here. While hanging on the cross, Jesus asked for the forgiveness of those who caused him that physical agony. Right in the middle of the throes of His pain, he thought about them and their salvation. I personally, want to slash the tires of the guy who cut me off on the freeway this morning.

4. Abandonment - Matthew 10:39 says, "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." In order to find life and in order to point the way to life, we must become like our Lord. Abandonment to self is the key to finding life. This isn't denial of who we are, what we feel or our needs but choosing to give those things, yes, even those parts of us we are certain God doesn't care for.... to God. Choosing His ways over our ways, choosing His peace over our fear, choosing His provision over our wants.

This verse has been in my mind since I was child. This verse has been repeated in Sunday School, Youth Group and Vacation Bible School. There have been entire sermons written around this verse and how we are to let our lights shine but how often have you hear "the rest of the story"? (Thanks Paul Harvey, for letting me borrow that verbiage). This isn't a little feel good verse telling us to be a good witness... this verse carries some weight. I would like to think that maybe one day I will achieve letting my light shine in such a way as to point others to Jesus.

My Self Worth....

I didn't have any self-worth growing up, especially by the time I hit high school.  I didn't think I mattered in the least.  

I have written before about my childhood and how I really wasn't a person but more of an object.  I got in the way like an object, I was used like an object and I was expected to shut up.... like an object.  The sad thing was that I didn't cry over my childhood much because it was normal for me.  I didn't know any better, it was what I thought I deserved.  I truly believed at each instance of molestation or each beating that it was my fault, that somehow I brought it on myself.  I even blamed myself when I was raped thinking if I had not been where I was, had I not been wearing the clothes I was wearing, etc.  And I perpetuated the problem by going on to marry an abuser.... he fit right in with what was "normal" to me.  

Just recently I have reconnected with old friends from high school online.  I never kept in contact with anybody from school.  One of the idiosyncracies I developed throughout life with my view of myself has resulted in me not being a very good friend.  I don't trust people enough to truly let them become part of my life so, I am very warm, loving and kind until they get too close, then I back away.  I looked over my life many times and realized that I don't bond with people like others and have felt that I am somehow deficient.  But then again, my life has been completely filled with motherhood so, perhaps I have a good reason for not investing so much into friendships.  I am getting a bit off-track but, thanks for sticking with me, I do have a point to make.  

In connecting with my old friends I have had several tell me that I was special to them.  One boy who I dated said that he came looking for me three times.  I have been told by several that they looked forward to my smile, that they missed me when I left and that I made a difference in their lives.  Me?  Laurie Lee Crilly?  And I found myself wishing that I knew, I wished that I knew that I mattered.  I thought maybe I would have made different choices in my life.  Maybe I would have cared for myself had I known that I was an important person.  And I found myself wishing that someone had told me that I mattered.  But the voices inside my head repeated the things I had heard while growing up.... the voices I heard told me that I was worthless, stupid, a bitch, even crazy.  I heard them loud and clear and treated myself as such.

Looking back wistfully over life is a waste of time and you know the truly sad part in my story is that someone did tell me.  I have held in my possession the greatest love letter of all time.  I hold in my hand a letter that tells me that I am worth dying for, that I have been crowned with glory and honor, that I have been given dominion and power, that I have an advocate constantly working on my behalf, that I stand clean and spotless before my Lord, that I have a father, that I have a helper, that I have a guide, that I am chosen of God, that I am blessed, that I am a conqueror, that I am above and not beneath, the head and not the tail, that I am favored, that I am heard...... My Bible tells me all of this and so much more.  

I am so glad I now know who I am.

Some More On Trust

I was in my kitchen doing dishes and as I moved a dish I saw a bowl full of water that a bug had fallen into.  My first thought (of course) was, "why do my kids do this?  How hard is it to rinse a bowl?"  But, that thought aside, I found watching this bug swimming around in that bowl very interesting.  It appeared to be some kind of a beetle type arthropod, was clearly not a water bug and had probably never been in water before and yet it was swimming quite nicely around that bowl of water.

Odd that should happen on the same day that I had read an article about a man in Scotland who had an in-ground pool put in his backyard.  As a "grand opening" he invited his friends and neighbors over for a barbecue.  Everyone was eyeing the inviting crystal blue water and I think some were drooling over it just a little bit but being polite and waiting for everyone to arrive.  Well, before they had the chance to slide themselves under the covers of the cool liquid that had been calling to them a bull suddenly ran right through the fence into the man's backyard and straight into the swimming pool.  Again, I highly doubt this bull had been in water..... at least not that deep before and I am entirely certain he had not had swim lessons and yet during the hours that it took to get the creature from the pool..... the bull began swimming fairly well.  In fact, so well that the owner of the pool said by the time they got him out, "he had perfected his breast-stroke".

You are probably wondering what I am getting to in all of this eh?  I am going to tell you why I find this so interesting.  When humans fall into water and they don't know how to swim.... what happens?  They drown.  Why?  What makes the difference?  Fear makes the difference.  Animals and insects have the natural instinct to preserve themselves but I don't believe they experience the true emotion of fear.  People fall into water and the panic, resulting in flailing arms, thrashing legs and hyperventilating.  The result is quick exhaustion and the increased breathing results in them taking in water very quickly - thus a drowning.

Take away the fear and what are humans capable of?  I did a quick search and came up with 430 instances of the phrase "fear not" in the Bible and 249 of the phrase "do not fear".  I am no Rhodes Scholar, in fact, I lack much formal education but it's fairly easy  for me to recognize the fact that God does not want us to live in fear.  God's design for us is to live in peace and yet, he recognizes and knows well our weakness and addressed it often throughout scripture.  

What would humans be capable of without fear?  I know as sure as I am sitting here typing and breathing that we are capable of far greater things than swimming without a lesson.  

In John 14:12-14 it says, "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.  And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father.  You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it."  

Well, there is my answer.  Without fear, with true trust in God.... we are capable of anything.  Truly amazing.

Thinking About Faith This Morning...

Hebrews 11:6 says without faith it is impossible to please God but how much faith pleases God?

In Matthew 14 and starting in verse 22 Jesus sent the disciples out on a boat while He went to pray.  When he was done praying it was the wee hours of the following morning and the boat had drifted a considerable distance out on the sea.  Jesus then walked across the waves in the early morning mist illuminated by the moon and stars.  The disciples saw His figure walking towards them and thought perhaps they were seeing a ghost and were terrified and began crying out in their fear.

The first point that I am considering is.... the disciples thought He was a ghost?  When they should have known better they immediately assumed the worst and began bemoaning their fate.  So typical of us.  We need to look for God in every situation and we will find Him there.  

Jesus could have been disappointed in them but He knows and understands our fears and called out to calm them by identifying Himself and telling them not to be afraid.  Yet still the fear was there.  Peter tested Jesus by saying, "if it is you, command me to come to you and I will join you."  Peter had the faith to move on Jesus command but not the faith to move on his own in Jesus direction.  He stepped out of the safety of the boat onto the sea.

I can only imagine how that felt.  As a human he must have had so many thoughts racing through his mind....some of those thoughts I imagine went something like this, "I can't believe I am doing this.... I can't believe I am walking on top of the water!"  As soon as his thinking turned to recognition of his own efforts he began to notice the waves and the wind and began to sink.  Jesus responded by telling Peter he had little faith and reaching out to him.

How much faith pleases God?  

I will tell you how much.... complete faith pleases God.  Faith that moves us and in turn moves mountains.  James 2:17-22 says that faith without works is dead.... ineffectual.... if you say you have faith but will not step out of the boat.... your faith is of no benefit.  In these scriptures it goes on to say that when Abraham moved forward to sacrafice his own son, his actions and his belief worked together to make his faith complete.  Believe in your heart and act on that belief, let your faith and your actions walk hand in hand and that is complete faith.  That is the faith that pleases God.

I don't want little faith.  I don't want faith that makes me test God before stepping out of the boat.  I don't want sinking faith.... the kind that initiates me to movement only until the waters become rough.  I want big faith.... complete faith.  I want the kind of faith that makes me jump out of the boat and run across the water to my waiting Lord.  I don't just want enough faith to begin my journey.... I want the faith to finish and to be victorious.  

That is Me

I was not in an accident of any kind

I did not fall and hit my head

yet, I could not remember

There was no reason for it

It was a mystery

An unexplainable phenomen

How I lost my memory

I did not forget everything

But what I did forget

I forgot completely

I knew my name

but I did not know who I was

I could say my alphabet

and even sing a song I had not heard since high school

it was my family 

that was foggy

oh, not my children

it was my father

For a time I forgot

But now I remember

For a time amnesia ruled my decisions

But now I know without question

For a time I wandered lost

But now I know who I am

I am the daughter of God Himself

A child of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords

That is me

The Race

I keep running

each day is a race

a challenging course

the track ever changing

yet I run

without a goal

without direction

not even the fake rabbit

a false hope to guide me

everyday running

I think heading somehwere

but maybe 

I am not running toward something

maybe I am running away

leaving something behind

and I keep running

no time to question

the what's

the why's

the how's

as my feet keep running

but never as fast

as my mind

Home

They say home is where the heart is

but what if I don't know where my heart is?

Tony Bennett left his in San Francisco

Oh, that it were that easy!

Fats Domino found his on Blueberry Hill...

I hope he wasn't so careless as to leave it behind like Tony.

So, what am I searching for?

Should I be retracing my steps to find where I left my heart

or simply moving forward to see where I may find it?

Personally, I think I may have left bits and pieces 

scattered about here and there.

If that is true....

maybe I truly have no home.

Hope Deferred

Hope deferred makes the heart sick

My heart suffers from the gravest of illnesses

A hope that has been abandoned

My hope left behind, as I moved on

My hearts desire screaming out

a muffled cry under a silencing hand

"Hush", I hiss as I walk away

from the hope

from the dream

that is you

The White Lie

I told a lie today

it was a small lie

I didn't think much about it at the time

but isn't a lie.....

a lie

isn't one lie just as bad as another?

I thought the lie was for you

I thought it would make you more comfortable

but then isn't the comfort itself a lie?

I told a lie today

a small lie

a little white lie

when you asked me how I was....

I said I was fine.

I Fall

When I am tempted....
I fall into trouble
When I am enamored....
I fall into love
When I am troubled....
I fall into sadness
When I am lied to....
I fall for the line
When I am challenged....
I fall in line
When I am weak....
I fall to my knees
Then I fall into bed and thank God 
for the new day that comes in the morning 
so I can fall all over again

Until The Cows Come Home

"Until the cows come home."
An expression - 
but, what does it mean?
You know you've heard it before. 
There is no definitive explanation for this expression.
Generally speaking,
the cows "come home" when they are hungry. 
Depending on the season,
depending on the state of the pasture,
depending on the size of the pasture....
the cows could stay out a LONG time!
Just like this expression,
there are so many things in my life that lack a definite answer.
So many unanswered questions.
I just moved to a new town back in November,
my circle of friends is really a triangle....
(of course, this suits my personality - leave it to me to be different)
I know my neighbor across the street
and I have made one friend.
I find myself asking;
How long will I live here?
How long will I be alone?
What should I be doing with my life?
What is my purpose?
Why is life fraught with hurt?
When will my heart heal?
I don't have any answers...
So, this is as good as any.
I am smiling
and I keep dancing
stuck here in Union
alone
until the cows come home.

Taking A Bath

I want to tell you a story. If you know me, you know that I love to tell a good story. Well, I used to raise English Bulldogs. I had a wonderful fawn colored bitch named "Georgia". She was a wonderful, smart dog and a loyal family pet. According to breeding standards, she was nowhere close to show quality. When she had her first litter of pups I fell in love with one of them but I chose to keep another pup altogether. The one I chose to keep was the "pick of the litter". Unfortunately as so often happens in life she was beauty without brains. Somewhat like the stereotypical blonde bombshell that you can't wait to go out with certain she will rock your world and she does for a time until her stupidity drives you to want to blow your brains out every time she speaks. That was "Peaches", a beautiful Mahogany brindle bulldog without a clue.

Housebreaking Peaches was no easy feat and I was disgusted by her apparent love of using my home as her toilet. I drove myself crazy housebreaking that dog, getting up several times in the middle of the night with her as if she was an infant trying to teach her to go outside. She had a fondness for sneaking into my boys bedroom and relieving herself. Eventually she did learn the concept of going to the door. 

In my boys bedroom there was a tall custom made bunk bed, an antique highboy, a very large bookshelf and in the closet was a large toy box. The bunk bed was raised considerable off the floor and was taller than standard. Neither of the boys would sleep on the top bunk because it scared them so, they usually just played up there during the day. One day I walked into their room and there was a foul odor in the air. I was instantly angry with the dog and certain she had reverted to her old ways. Upon surveying the floor however, I didn't find anything offensive. I walked out a bit puzzled.

Day two - I entered the boys room and the room was still infused with an ugly odor. I again looked around thinking I must have missed it. I then searched under their bed, under the dresser, under the bookshelf and in the closet only to find nothing. I decided that it must be old odors coming up from the carpet or pad. I sprayed air freshener and left the room.

Day three - The smell was still pervasive in the air even as you approached the room. That afternoon while out and about doing errands I rented a carpet cleaner.

Day four - I cleaned the carpets....THREE times. But it didn't work, the smell was still there. A foul stench. Their bedroom had windows on two of the walls and one wall backed the very large carport (big enough for three cars). I thought to myself that perhaps a critter of some sort had gone into my carport and died.

Days five through eight - In my carport I had boxes stacked over my head throughout. My mother had moved several months earlier from a very large house into a tiny apartment and I was storing her things for her in my carport. It took me four days to pull everything in the carport out of the carport and to open each box. I did find one small dead mouse but much to my disappointment....it didn't even stink!!!

Day nine - this little claustrophobic nut braved the underbelly of the house, crawling through the tiny crawlspace under the house again searching for a critter that may have died. 

Days ten through twelve - the noxious odor in the bedroom was so potent that it caused your eyes to water immediately upon entry to the room. The boys no longer slept in their room, they had been sleeping in the living room. I was at my wit's end. I had tried everything. I was hoping against hope that the smell would go away just as it came. After all, how could I live with this smell, how could I ever have company over again?

Day thirteen my son Becher walked out of the room with his hands on his hips and said matter of factly, "man, that fish stinks". I had seen him walk out of his room out of the corner of my eye but was not paying much attention until I heard those words. My head spun on my shoulders in a fine impression of Linda Blair in "The Exorcist" as I looked at him and asked, "WHAT FISH????"

Becher, nonchalant as ever said, "the fish on my bed." I jumped up and quickly went to the room to look at their bunk bed. Sure enough, on the top bunk were two little trout on the bed, the proud booty of two little barefoot country boys and their trip to the pond only this time they did not bring them to me to clean, they decided to really look at them and left them where they lay. By the time I found them they were halfway liquefied into the mattress (which had to be replaced) I could not believe that they had been right there the whole time. All that time cleaning and searching!!! The bunk was taller than me and I never thought to look on the bed!!

I asked Becher, "why didn't you tell me there were fish on the bed? You saw me searching and cleaning everyday." He looked me square in the eye and said in all his childlike sense, "you were looking for poop." He was right, at least at first. 

At the time it was horrifying but the story has made me laugh many times over the years.

I now know that this has been the story of my life the past few years. I have been searching high and low for what stinks in my life when it was right in front of me all along. What stinks in my life is me. I have been skirting around the hem of my faith for years now and it has definitely been the cause of the odor.

I liken it to a dirty child out playing in the cold whose father has a nice hot bath and a big, thick, fluffy warm towel waiting. And the child, shivering keeps running in and washing her hands, "oh, that feels good" but then running back out to play. The father, ever patient keeps calling for her to come in saying, "you'll catch your death of pneumonia out there."

Well, it's time for me to come in. So ya'all (I had to say ya'all because I live in Union, OR now which is very redneck and I am trying to adapt to my environment - lol!) will have to excuse me because it's time for me to take a bath.

I Am In Good Company

So, I had an epiphany.....

driving from Oregon to California and back as many times as I have recently gives me hours and hours of solitude. I don't usually do well with solitude. Hundreds of miles of boring roads with no radio reception give me much time to think. My thoughts are often consumed with Tomas and what happened there and my emotions range from very sad, almost grieving, to anger (not even a chance to explain as he passed his judgment with partial information), to smiling about something he said. I will never again drive past the salt marshes without remembering him telling me that God had a day off when they were created and smiling. 

The other thing that occupies my thoughts is God and my relationship with Him or my lack thereof. I think back to a time in my life where my faith was unshakable and came absolutely first in my life. But I lost that and have been unable to find it again.

I am going through something at the moment that has been very trying for me and I found myself angry and in a discussion with my mother I asked, "what the fuck has God ever done for me." Those words have been thought but never spoken and just the thinking of them has caused me feelings of guilt which have added to the separation between me and my God. I walked away from God because of hurt and my life took a hedonistic turn but, there was no pleasure. The hurt was still there, bad things still happened only now I didn't even have the strength of having faith that somehow in this big puzzle that is life, I am a piece. That without me, the picture would be incomplete. 

I have never felt like I mattered even when I did have faith in God and that lack within myself has caused me to make so many poor decisions. Growing up I talked to my biological father once every three to four years when I called Him. I never received a call from him that I can remember. I do recall him sending me flowers once when I was young and very ill with whooping cough. I could have died and he didn't come see me but those flowers meant so much. It is no wonder that I have spent my life looking for and wishing to be loved.

As I was driving, the words Jesus spoke to His God as he hung on the cross just popped into this small, narrow little mind of mine...."my God, why have you forsaken me?" Okay well, He didn't use the "F" word and He didn't use the separation as an excuse for living like hell but I know that He understands. He felt it. He felt the same abandonment I have felt. I am in good company.

I am not comparing myself with the Son of God as my suffering is infinitesimal to what He endured but I just know that it doesn't matter what I did or what I said....He knows, He understands, He felt it too. No more guilt to keep me out of fellowship with the only Father I have ever really known.

One Last Time

Psssst......over here

I need to tell you something

can you come a little closer?

Please.....

I just need to feel you close 

and I don't want anybody else to hear.

Closer.....

so, close I can reach out and grab your hand

and then I will whisper to you....

I love you

That's all

I know you don't love me

and I know I have nothing to offer

but I just wanted you close enough

to tell you

and to feel you one last time.

My Vagrant Soul

My vagrant soul knows no peace

restless in nature

constantly seeking that which it cannot find

My vagrant soul knows no rest

standing ever alert

watching for that which it yearns

My vagrant soul knows no love

aching in solitude

the vestige of where a heart once dwelt

My vagrant soul journeys on

my feet are weary

walking towards the home that does not exist

Digging With a Spoon

Sometimes I feel like I am digging through a mountain, my only tool a spoon.

Sometimes I feel as if I am breathing through a gall soaked sponge

Sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other is hampered by the leaden weight of my cares

Some days, so often, my heart feels as if it is a stone in my shoe

Some days, my mind races as if dreaming in NASCAR

Some days, I wish I wasn't here in this place of torment

and other days I just continue digging

with my spoon.

Who Are You?

Who are you?

What thoughts and feelings lurk behind your mask?

I don't know you.

I can't feel what you feel or reflect your thoughts.

Will you open yourself?

Will you share with me and let me inside of you?

May I visit your heart?

May I wander within the chambers and learn of your loves?

Can I roam your mind?Can I know the experiences and secrets that you hold inside?

I don't know you,

but I want to know you more than anything.

Who are you?

Will you allow me to know you?

The true man behind the mask?

I Miss You

I travel throughout this life a stranger without will, without direction
I miss you
I look for you everywhere though my eyes have become blind to what is around me
I miss you
I listen for your voice in the marketplace though I have become deaf
I miss you
I breathe deeply hoping for your scent to awaken my passion
I miss you
My hunger and thirst consume me as I crave the salt on your skin
I miss you
Everywhere I go
Everything I do
Reminds me of you
I miss you
more then you know
I miss you

Moving Forward

Moving forward is so difficult when you do not know your destination

Placing one foot in front of the other sometimes is the hardest motion

I know I cannot remain in this place

I know there is something calling to me in the distance

I only wish I knew what it was

I only wish that the familiarity of it would allay my fears

Sometimes I just have to close my eyes and walk

Sometimes I have to trust my instinct which drives me onward

If there was a light, a beacon illuminating my path

If there was a voice calling to me, "come this way"

Then could I move forward in confident peace

Then could I progress even if slowly toward my goal

But that is not to be

There is no guide

Just the ever present feeling that somewhere

somehow

in the distance

there is something better

So, my journey continues

Would you dare to walk with me?

The Living Dead

Zombies and Ghouls.....

These are not the living dead.....

The living dead are those that live life with a heart hardened through time and circumstances....

The living dead are those that live life with a heart broken and incapable of love.....

The living dead are those that live life with no heart at all having given it away for naught......

Incapable of seeing the beauty in a rainbow, a flower, a sunrise or sunset.......

Incapable of reacting with a smile to a child's laughter, a joke or even a friendly hello.....

Incapable of hearing the voices of those that love them trying to reach into their shell.....

Incapable of loving or feeling loved

This is death

This is life

for so many

I am one of them

Proud To Be An American

Oh beautiful, for spacious skies, o'er amber waves of grain. O'er purple mountains majesty above the fruited plain. America, America, God shed His grace on thee. And crown thy good with brotherhood from sea to shining sea.....

Why is that we can't learn from history? 

God's grace is no longer on this country. Make no mistake about that. 

We were a great country founded on Christian prinicples. We were a force to be reckoned with and respected. God shed His grace on the United States for many years but that grace has worn thin as we have trampled upon it.

Let me remind you of a people that were God's own - the Israelites. God in His graciousness and goodness led them out of slavery and into the promised land of Caanan. Sounds like a wonderful story however, this journey into Caanan left them wandering in the wilderness for forty years. Forty long years of abandonment and isolation. One may wonder how a loving God could do this to His people. The answer is easy.....in their impatience to reach their destination they took matters into their own hands and lost their faith. God's people chose to worship idols rather then their sustainer and as such lost His sustenance. They had free will as we do. Their free will led them away from God and He gave them what they desired at that time.

Has not our nation as a whole turned it's back on God? We have effectively removed Him and his presence from our schools, sanctioned sinful and errant behavior..... America the Beautiful is not sung anymore. It contains the word "God" and is not even taught to our children in school. God is good and He will give us the desires of our heart. If we as a country desire to remove Him - He is removed. I dare to speculate that a country that has never known God is better off than a country who has known the goodness of the Lord and then turned on Him collectively as a nation. Do not be fooled here - we will pay a very high price for this the ultimate act of treason against our maker.

Brace yourselves....don't be taken by surprise when the anvil falls as it most surely will.

Something is Missing

I woke this morning, as I do every morning knowing that a piece of me is missing. 

I slowly stretched, wriggling my fingers and toes taking careful inventory. 

I lost my heart so quickly and without warning, I can't be certain that I may lose more of myself. 

Of course, can I consider it lost when I know where it is?

I gave it to you, the first time we talked, without reservation.

How could I not, as I knew that you were the one I had hoped and prayed for all along. 

The one that I thought perhaps did not exist or was just too far from me for discovery.

But without you here, I feel the void in my chest and throughout my being.

I woke consumed with my thoughts of you and began my day in robotic fashion.

Merely existing until I can look into your eyes and speak the words, "I love you."

Seconds drag by, transforming into minutes and minutes into hours.

So slowly the time passes in my bath of loneliness.

Throughout the day you visit me many, many times.

You may not be aware of the haunting that is you.

I run to my phone each times it rings, hopeful.

Answering each time only to be met with disappointment.

I scan my email, deleting message after message because they are not from you.

I check my mail wishing to see your pen has graced stationary with my name.

Sometimes I whisper your name hoping that wherever you are, you hear it.

Hoping that it resonates within you and moves you to whisper in return.

Other times I whisper silent prayers for your safety, peace, joy and strength.

My day ends with a feeling of despondency as the need for you goes again unfulfilled.

I fall into bed, staring at the the bed post in the shadows wishing that it was you standing near my bed.

Tossing and turning, sleep evades me once again.

Those are my days without my heart, one rolling into the next.

One searing through me the next cutting like a knife.

It is as if the hollow that once held my heart increases in size as time creeps by.

It is an open wound begging to be dressed.

The only healing balm , your presence and your touch.

Darling, hurry to me - I need my breath to return so I may start living again.

My Love For You

My love for you is able to encompass all that you are

We are complex creatures

bringing with us multiple facets of our makeup

I see all sides of you

And love them without question or doubt

You are my sun and my moon

I see you in everything I do

everywhere I go

I feel you beside me throughout each day

Your words echo in my thoughts

My darling

My love will encompass all that you are

I need you to know

I need you to believe

I want to show you my love

I want to be your comfort, your support

your encouragement, your sounding board

your lover, your friend

I want to be the one to hold you when you hurt

the one to wipe your brow when you are sick

the one to listen to your hopes and dreams

as well as your fears and frustrations

My love encompasses all that you are

and I am here for you 

no matter how small or how great the need

and even

if you don't need me at all

I will be here

loving you

with a love deeper then the sea on which you sail.

Heart In A Box

I kept my heart in a box, safe from the world.

Every now and again I would carefully lift the lid to the box

and there is sat pulsing slowly with each beat.

I would sometimes sit and stare at it

contemplating giving it away.

But I always thought better of it,

quickly closing the lid and stashing it on the shelf

where I kept it.

Many people came and asked me for my heart.

And I would always respond with a laugh,

a toss of the head,

and a hasty retreat.

Then I met someone different.

He never asked for my heart

but I found myself taking it out more often.

The visits to my heart became more and more frequent

until one day, I presented it to him.

Cautiously, I lifted the lid to the box that held my heart,

reached inside,

and gently lifted it out.

With my hand outstretched to him, I offered it,

a bit apprehensively as I didn't want it hurt.

I watched as he took it and gingerly caressed it.

It was a wonderful feeling 
and a most unexpected thing happened...

it took flight.

Staying close to him,

like it knew where it belonged.

Days went by and each day he held my heart gently,

stroked it,

kissed it

and little by little I relaxed, 

feeling that my heart was safe and protected by him.

As a matter of fact, 

the beat of my heart quickened and became stronger

in his care.

Then one day,

he dropped it.

I thought surely it was accidental,

and I reached out to catch it 

but it was out of reach.

I watched as it crashed to the floor

knowing it would be bruised.

What happened next,

was so unexpected.

As I watched in horror,

He stepped on my heart.

The one I trusted,

the one I believed in,

the one that I gave my most prized possesion

placed it under his foot.

The blood oozing from my heart,

I cried out to him,

"please stop, it is all I have!"

My heart then broke

into many tiny pieces.

It shattered there on the floor

under his step.

I cried as I fell to my knees scooping up the pieces.

I ran to my box, 

having to stand high on my tip-toes to reach it.

I gathered the broken pieces

attempting to put it back together.

I looked at my handiwork....

there were so many pieces missing

and the beat was so soft,

so faint.

Once returned to the safety of the box,

I gazed at it barely beating

and I vowed that would be the last time

I would offer it to anyone. 

I placed the lid back on the box

tapping it into place, 

then tacked it closed.

This time I wouldn't take any chances....

I would secure the lid

never to be removed again.

My heart in flight

will remain a memory.

Maybe it was all just a dream,

maybe he was never tender and kind

maybe that is just what I wanted to see.

All I really am certain of now,

is that my heart is safe.

Up on the shelf,

in the box.

The Girl in the Corner

Who knows the girl

in the corner

drowning

in tears?

Is there one

who would take a chance

and join her there

in a lonely place

where she 

can let

her feelings show?

The feelings

which have 

been pushed back

for so long.

Not acknowledged

but still

they are there

deepening

with age.

If someone

would care

just enough

to reach 

her pool

formed 

by the world

in a foul

selfish mood.

It's no wonder

no one comes.

They put her there

under the waves

of her emotional sea.

Wait!

Someone stopped

to see 

the pitiful figure

in the corner.

Hope

leaps to her heart.

Just a flicker.

It was just

another face

stooping to stare

at the oddity

that is her.

She vows

never to look up

and to hope

again.

The pain

of rejection

is just too much

for her to bear

alone.

She hates

everyone

and will accept

no one.

fear of hurt

hold her there

crying out

lonliness.

In the grave

she does not feel

she will feel

alone.

I suppose

she will go there

for a while.

Raining

  

Everyday without you seems to be a stormy day

my eyes rain along with the clouds

for missing you

sometimes

i sit and look at your picture

for hours

and I cry

not only for missing you

but remembering out times

when I cried for joy

the joy of being in love

only with you

always with you

I suppose now

all my clouds will rain

forever

Fear

Doorbells ringing in your head

bodiless faces in the room

huddled alone inside your bed

you know there's someone after you


Calls from strangers in the night

wanting you for their own

you lay awake in bed and cry 

pretending there's nobody home


You run from a man inside your head

knowing that you just can't win

you see yourself in an alley dead

alone and raped and beaten


Someone's watching your every move

someone's going to come

someone's going to find you

and set you on the run


Someone knows when you're alone

he'll stake his claim on you

someone knows nobody's home

he'll sit and wait for you


Whether real or in your head

the thoughts so reactive

you keep running 'till you're dead

but it's the fear that keeps you captive.

The Chest Master

Check!

Checkmate!

Oh, you are the chess master.

You plan your moves so carefully.

No one can beat you.

You neatly set the board,

taking care to position each piece perfectly in its' place.

First to go.....

the pawns.

You wanted them at first.

But they were readily expendable.

A sacrifice you were willing to make to reach your end.

They looked so nice lined up at the beginning of the game.

but you despised their insignificance.

Oh, Chess Master....

Was I your pawn?

Did you use me to promote your win?

Was I that easily expendable?

Did you sacrifice me to win?

This pawn breathes

this pawn screams in pain

this pawn hurts and bleeds

Oh, Chess Master....

You are great

but don't forget your humanity

to play the game.

Hoping & Dreaming

What do you hope for?

What do you dream?

Have you written them down, at least in your heart?

Do you believe in your abilities,

to achieve all that you desire in this lifetime?

Write them down, lest you lose them.

Pursue them

and never, ever give up.

What do I hope for?

What do I dream? 

It has been so long since I had any hopes & dreams.

Believing that hoping and dreaming,

could only bring disappointment and disillusionment.

I will search my soul and find them again.

And pursue them

And never, ever give up.

The Myth of the Strong Woman

I was talking with my ex-sister-in-law the other day and she was telling me of her neighbor and she said, "she is not strong like you and I, she is a weak woman." There was a time in my life when being called strong was a compliment. But that time has passed. I remember before I married being told, "Laurie, you are the strongest woman I have ever met." Even back then it was no longer a compliment and my reply was, "but, I don't want to have to be anymore." I learned to be "strong" to survive if that's what you call learning to shut up and handle business.

I was not a person growing up, I was an object. Let me just interject right here, "fuck you Billy Baker, Norman Chenowith, Ed Weeks, Scott Miller and grandma Mozelle." Fuck you all for making me "strong". As a very young child I was angry and wanted to fight back but I found it was easier to just give in and be "strong". I was told everyday of my life for as far back as my memory serves that I was a bitch by my grandmother. It finally took root at 7 years old when I woke with my 17 year old stepbrother Billy in my bed that it must be true as before he left he told me the same thing. "You can go to sleep now bitch." Thanks Billy, that's mighty kind of you.

This is however what has made me successful in business. Why this uneducated, barefoot, country girl has been able to achieve titles such as "Program Director", "Executive Assistant", "Program Administrator", "Director of Safety and Compliance" and "Director of Operations". I have never in my life been handed a job or project either professional or personal that I said, "I can't" or "I don't know how" to. If I have a job to do, I do it. I hear and have heard for years, "Laurie will make it happen", "Laurie can do it", "Laurie, you are the best", "Laurie, what would we do without you?" It is not because I want to excel so badly that I have become the "go to girl". It is because everyday that I get up and look into the mirror I have to prove to myself that I am not a bitch, that I am not stupid, that I am not worthless. Everyday I battle the demons inside me that tell me that I will never be good enough.

That's right, I can handle it all, I am a strong woman. 

You know when someone asks you, "how are you?" Everytime you respond, "I am fine, thank you. How are you?" Probably half of the people you ask are not fine but we all know that the person asking would hate if you told the truth. People are not comfortable hearing of others pain. When my son died, my best friend never even so much as called, my mother did not come over and when I walked down aisles in the grocery store in my small town, people turned and walked the other direction. They didn't know what to say, so they avoided me. My son died and I was friendless and alone. I was strong though, I packed up his things, only allowed myself to cry three times, once at the time of his death, once while packing and once at his funeral. I braced myself and did not want to cry at his funeral and I thought I could get through it without crying but when I saw his tiny casket, I let a few tears slip. I was careful not to break down though because I didn't want to make anybody there uncomfortable.

If you are reading this, it is making you uncomfortable, I am sure. Nobody wants to know these things about another person. It is like a car wreck though and once you look, you have to keep looking and so, here you are reading about me. 

Molestation and physical abuse as a child definitely make people uncomfortable! God forbid a child should talk about that. Especially when it is happening in their own home or at the hands of a well-respected deacon in their church or someone that is to be trusted, like a grandmother.

Rape is another taboo subject. I think the veil has been lifted somewhat in recent years but in 1982 it was not something you spoke of. Only two involved, your word against his. Women were counseled to just keep quiet rather then go through the trauma of a court case. Which really worked well for me because as I said, I learned early to keep quiet. Nevermind the physical evidence, the bruises, the missing chunks of hair, the missing fingernails, ripped off from hanging on so tight to your pants while they are being jerked off that when they finally come lose they take your fingernails with them.

I attended the same church for ten years during my first marriage. I played the piano, I led worship, I taught children's church, I helped with the youth group, I led women's seminars for groups of up to 100 women teaching them how to be Proverbs 31 women. I wanted so badly to be a good wife and mother. My church had become as close to me as family. When I suddenly found myself single with 5 children, the youngest only 8 days old, not one person from the church, not even my pastor paid me a call or spoke with me to see if I was okay. I can't fault them. What do you say to someone in my position? Someone who dedicated her life to being a good wife only to have the police come and arrest her husband on 72 counts of rape. And here, I always thought the abuse he put me through was special - just between the two of us. They didn't know what to say and they all assumed someone else had called. 

I am not writing this for sympathy, I am writing because these are my thoughts and I find it cathartic to write. 

I don't want to be strong anymore. I want the luxury of being weak. I crave the treat of being able to cry freely. I covet the ability to lay down at night and just close my eyes and sleep. I so desire the ability to look in the mirror and see someone worthwhile looking back at me.

In the meantime, everyday I get up and set out to prove myself again.

People tell me I have a great personality, that I am funny, charming. The jokes I tell are not for you. They are for me. As long as I keep joking and smiling, I am strong and as long as I am strong people enjoy my company.

The strong woman is a myth. She doesn't exist. The strong woman is a woman hiding her pain.

Naked

I bared myself to you.....

I showed you the real me. You heard my hopes, dreams, fears, joys and my past. You watched as I cried for both joy and pain. You saw me laugh, smile and dance. You saw me on my good days and my bad days. I never hid anything. I never tried to be something I am not. There was never a pretense between us. Just me, being me, loving you.

I bared myself to you.....

I unveiled my heart. I had it buried deep before you came along. I will never understand why I was so quick to give something away that I had kept so protected for so long. But I did. Willingly and happily, I handed it over to your care. Knowing that it was safe with you. Knowing that you would cherish it.

I bared myself to you.....

I gave you my body. Standing there with my insecurites raging, you said, "it's okay, I love you". As the robe dropped and I felt the chill in the room, my heart raced as a rush of acceptance flowed from you and my fears faded. Any thought I had of not being good enough was then quickly replaced by my passion for you.

I bared myself to you.....

I let you see every facet of me. Unashamed, because I felt comfortable with you from the begining, safe, secure and loved. I happily shared who I was completely. How could you truly love me, if you didn't truly know me? With that knowledge, I allowed you into my private world. 

I bared myself to you.....

I extended my spirit, my soul and my body to you. I gave you my love, my tears and my laughter. I gave my all, everyday. 

I bared myself to you.......

and now I am naked, cold and alone.

I Need You To Know

I need you to know that I hold you inside me, coursing through my veins. 

I feel you in every part of my being. 

I hear your words echoing inside my head, "I love you madly".

My life is torn by my thoughts of you.

Do I smile at the memory of you?

Or do I give in to the pain that overcomes me at the loss of you?

I need you to know that I hung on every word, belieiving in and trusting you.

Planning my days around you.

I feel your words aching in my soul, "we were predestined before time began".

I focused my world on merging with yours.

Can I ever give up my dreams of you?

Or am I destined to relive each moment throughout time?

I need you to know that you will never find another to love you as I.

Willing to give my all to you.

I see your words on the slate before me, "I will take you to our home."

I dissembled my life such as it is.

Can I ever hope to rebuild it?

Or will it lie in shambles at my feet with my broken dreams?

I need you know how I feel.

You were never the fool. 

It was me all along.

I Thought About You Today

I thought about you today and do you know what happened?

My eyes sparkled. I was sitting in a business meeting and I could feel the light from them falling upon the room and I wondered if the others there knew I was in love.

I smiled all day. Everywhere I went, there was a smile on my face. The sort of smile that elicited notice from those around and I was certain that they knew that I was thinking of someone that meant more then the air I breathe.

I was aroused. As I thought of you, I felt my body respond to my imaginings. I wanted you all throughout the day and could not wait to be one with you.

I skipped. Just walking through a courtyard I kicked my heels in joy. I could not help it for the very thought of you brings me such happiness knowing I am yours and you are mine.

I thought about you today and do you know what happened?

From my head to my toes I eminated my love for you and happiness at the gift of you in my life.